The Blue Wall

March 7th, 2018

    I love surprises! Ok,I love to be the one doing the surprising, being on the receiving end of surprises isn't something I'm real familiar with, but the few times I have been it generally results in tears.  Good tears of course.   So when I had planned to surprise Andriy, I did not want that to be the case for his grandmother.  I mean, could you imagine.  They both are expecting Kostya to be at their front door and instead it's me.  Ummm, no thank you!  Kostya even suggested he drop me off at the last bus stop that gets you to their house so I could just be the one to show up and then he head back to Kiev.  Again, no thank you!   So when I asked if he had told grandma, mind you I am already IN Ukraine and we are planning to go there the very next day.  He said he hadn't, but he planned to.  Can you imagine my response. Ha!  Planned to when?? It's evening the night before we are hopping on a bus and he "Planned to".  With laughter between the two of us I said "Kostya!  You have to do it now!"  So he made the call, hung up and said "It's fine".  Bless America!  I have no idea what I would have done had the answer not have been "It's fine" but I am thankful it was and that part was over.

Outside the Grocery Store 

 
   To prevent a multitude of I said, then He said conversation type dialog I'll share here that we did in fact tell Andriy I was coming.  That evening Kostya had mentioned that he felt we should tell him so that he wouldn't be mad at Kostya for keeping it a secret.  So while at the store Andriy had called Kostya and I answered Kostya's phone.  He couldn't quite figure it out at first, but eventually realized that I was actually in Ukraine.  Come to find out though grandma had actually told him I was there.  So he knew whether we had followed through the surprise or not.

Dinner - For real this time

    We finish up at the grocery store, which was another SO FUN experience.  I couldn't read any of the labels, you weight and put a bar code on your own fruit, and they had snickers!  I had exchanged American money for Ukrainian so I was able to pay like a big kid, with minimal help.  We made the walk back to his apartment - the store was walking distance.  Not necessarily walking distance to the average American, but to the Ukrainian it wasn't far, and to this new girl I did not care where we had to walk because there was snow and lots of it!

   We get back home and Kostya's mother then prepares another full meal.  This one very familiar and oh so good!



March 8th, 2018

Coming into the City

Waiting for the bust that goes to his city.

     My very first Uber ride, EVER.  Kostya had made the arrangements the night before so it was waiting for us that morning!  We Ubere'd (is that what they call it) to the Subway station.  Let the fun begin. I'm telling you, I seriously could not contain my face entire way through those things!  Things were funny and no one else thought so which made it even more funny.  This particular time we rode the
subway for about 20 minutes straight, to the last stop.  From there we boarded a passenger van that would be what took us into Andriy's city.  This was about a 2 hour, very bumpy ride.  The only stop was to let a man get off and use the restroom - in the middle of no where - and then off we went again.  I am no longer surprised by anything by this point in the trip, so whatever!  There was not much along the way, primarily fields and fields covered in snow, which for this Texas girl was magical.

Hotel was TOP notch... $100 for 4 Nights Total!

Off the Balcony of the Hotel - Downtown Apartments

   We arrived in the city at my Hotel which Kostya had suggested I get as it was right at the bus stop in the center of town.





Hotel Ukraine, located on the square right on the corner.  I had booked this Hotel as a backup in case grandma was not thrilled with me being there, I would have somewhere to stay.  This would not be the case as you'll learn later, but I did go and check in, leave some things at the room and then began the next small trip to get to his home.  This would require another sardine bus that would take us to a bust stop very near his home.  Cue the laughter as I again, could not help it.  People were NOT amused by me, but I was so curious about them.  Poor Kostya!  He was such a trooper and laughed and explained things every step of the way!  After about 15-20 minutes on this bus we arrived at his stop.

Looking back toward the bust stop on our way to Andriy's house.

 Here begins the heart checks and glimpses into Andriy's life.  We had passed the orphanage (school) along the way and while I didn't get a very good look the first time I would pass by it every day after and just take note of what it was Andriy has to do each and every day.  As we walked from his bus stop to his house I thought, "He does this every day, by himself, and has been for 7 years."  It's not that it's that far, but it is certainly not at the end of his street where someone sits and watches making sure he made it.   They have more of what would be considered villages.  The "streets" are equivalent to our alley's and houses are scattered all around.  While walking to his house we passed by what I would assume was a mother with her two small children and sleds.  SLED'S ya'll!  So cute!  I'm still just laughing and amazed at the snow and just the fact that I am walking to my child's house! We make a few turns, and I spot it, the Blue Wall.  Andriy had shown us his home on Google maps one of the first times he was with us. An image that show'd us his house that just happened to have him and grandpa out front.  So I had known somewhat what it looked like, and there it was. It was such an overwhelming feeling standing outside his house.  I new God would get me there, but I never knew it would be under these circumstances, nor did I know just how hard the next few days would be.

 

"Is that George Bush"

 

       March 7th, 2018... still.    Before flying over I had told Kostya some of the fears the people here had as I prepared to go.  The usual, fear of being murdered and never seeing me again kind of stuff.  Kostya re-assured me that murder was not likely however his main concern was the quality of the transportation in Ukraine, and that I would not like it.   Kostya having now been to America twice by this point had seen how our transportation and how we get around.  Primarily with our own vehicles and on nicely paved roads, well depending on where you live or who you ask.  The point here is that we are VERY blessed by even our construction ridden, pot hole having I-35 traffic jam livin' roads and transportation.  Even our public transportation is top notch most places.  So his fear for me was that I would be appalled by the condition of the transportation there in Ukraine.  I assured him that I did not care a thing about what the transportation looked like as long as no one would steal me.

 

Sardine Bus

   Ukraine is a walking country, as in most do not own cars.  People use public transportation, trains, ubers or walk to get to and from their locations. Trains is a big one when traveling long distances, but within cities it's mostly small buses or walking.  Our first method of transportation was the equivalent of a charter bus.  We would ride this bus to the train station/subway station.  Ya'll, this was my first time ever on a subway (that I can remember enough to talk about) and it was greatness.  I almost face planted approximately 4 times, one of which Kostya literally caught me out of the air by grabbing my backpack to save me from falling face first as the subway started going and I was not holding on.  Rule 1.  Get on and HOLD ON!  Rule 2.  No eye contact with anyone.  Rule 3.  You do not gaze around to find your seat.  If you spot an open seat, even it it is next to the Santa clause who possibly has not showered in 7 days you TAKE IT and you take it fast without any hesitation, and again HOLD ON.  I laughed SO HARD the entire ride!  I bummed into so many people because of my lack of rule number one mentioned above.  I "eezvaneet-ed" (excuse me in Russian) my entire way through the subway transit with laughter and "your face" on proud display!  I loved it but I am certain people around me did not.

     So after the subway we then made our way to another bus stop that would take us to Kostya's apartment.  Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce you to the "Sardine Bus".  While this particular bus we were on was not as packed as some and actually got it's name later on in the trip, it was in fact a Sardine Bus.  These buses make stops every few hundred yards and either let off or let on.  It is a very quick process and all of the above instructions for the subway applied here.  Except here you were travelling on roads - Think underfunded, never tended to pot hole breeding ground!  Now you have a visual of these roads.  This bus would whip into a stop, people would get off and people would

Just outside Kostya's apartment building

get on in about a 9 second time frame and then it would begin again.  You were to pay the attendant, not the driver, who rode on this bus at all times (shift work obviously) and if you did not she knew.  Whether there were 3 people on that bus or 33 people - ya'll I wasn't kidding about Sardines, she would stare you down until you passed your hryvnia (grivna - $) to her.  Again, laughter, lot's of touching/bumping, but NO eye contact.  It was SO MUCH FUN, for me at least. We eventually came to a stop that was ours and began the walk to his Apartment.

    Through a large metal door we went up a few steps and then stood outside an Elevator, or at least that is what Kostya called it.   Guys, it was a death trap!  If I feared anything ever this entire trip it was dying in that thing!  Kostya re-assured me that it was fine, although he also cared to share that just a

Figured I better capture my last breath.

week prior it had not been working "properly".  NOPE!   I'm serious, it was not cool.  We got on that thing, all up in each others personal space because it was literally a 3x3 foot box, mind you I have my luggage during all of this subway hoping, sardine bus riding, and now the box of terror with little room to breath, and breathe if you dare as it might be the last one you take!  There was no little nice light up indicator that told you which floor your were passing or on, and a dim light overhead that barely allowed you to see.  This was Faith in action and let me just tell you that when we arrived on that 9th floor I thanked my God for His protection!

   So into the apartment we go.  I truly did not know what was to come.  After the sardine bus, the big metal door, the box of terror and the smell of the walkway there was no telling what was behind that door.  I should probably share a small detail.  I have failed to mention along the way Kostya lives with his mother.  She was widowed over 5 years ago and Kostya and her now share an apartment as it is difficult to live alone and provide your basic needs in that Country.  So behind that door was this darling little quaint Ukrainian woman with a beautiful smile on her face.  Oh, a welcomed sight.  She was such a mother.  Her first words were to make sure I was ok, not hungry (which she was already preparing a meal) or that I needed anything.  She did not speak any English so Kostya translated for us, but she did not have to speak my language to show me love.  She hung my jacket, made sure my boots were placed neatly by the door, and they began to show me their apartment and where I would sleep that night.

    Three bedrooms, a small little kitchen with a lovely view of the school Kostya use to attend, a playground and snow... lots of snow!  The bathroom was broken into parts.  The shower/sink were in one spot and the toilet was in another.  Ya'll this praying mantis and my long legs almost didn't fit.  When I shut the door to the bathroom and took a seat upon the throne my knees and my nose were nearly touching the door.  Again, laughter.  Everything about everywhere I went brought about this strange joy and laughter, despite all that was broken.  I enjoyed so much the lack of having everything at your disposal.  To live in a place where who had what did not matter because no one had anything and to just enjoy the peace that all these differences brought was such a neat feeling.

   So the tour continued and as we walked into his mothers room these very words left my mouth, with laughter of course " Why do you have a picture of George Bush"? Kostya looked a bit puzzled, then translated to his mother and they both began to laugh.  "That's my father" he said.  Hold up,

Come on!  Who's telling the truth here?

Guys... first of all no it's not, it's George Bush.  Second of all, yes it was his father and not George Bush, but seriously, come on... who does that look like?  I still look at this picture and cannot believe it! So crazy!  So after we laughed a long time, and still laugh to this day, we went in to have what I thought was dinner, but what was apparently an appetizer to diner. The spread was incredible, but the only thing I recognized was mashed potatoes and olives.  The rest was experimenting.  I'm a picky eater, I say I'm not, but then things like this remind me I am.  Yet, when you are across the world in the home of someone else who has prepared this for you, you cast all pickiness aside and

First Ukrainian meal.

begin!  It was SO GOOD! Well, the things I ate were good.  I of course dug into the mashed potatoes and the borscht and much to my picky surprise the meat dish that had the carrot slices on top was delicious.  Kostya was adamant about me not having to eat anything I did not want, and while I wanted to be respectful and eat what was made, I also knew the threshold of my gag reflex and wanted to keep that in check!

    Day one was almost a wrap, the following day would be when I would be able to wrap my arms around my boy, whom at this point had no idea I was there.  Kostya and I had talked many times prior to me coming and agreed that we wouldn't tell Andriy, but I for sure wanted his grandma to know. So after dinner that night I asked, "So did you tell grandma I was coming?  What did she say?"

To be continued...

 


   

   

It's Your Face

 

      March 7th, 2018, I must have looked lost as I made my way into the Kiev Airport as two ladies stopped, asked if I needed help and directed me to a counter in which another woman was waiting to stamp my passport.   My very first EVER stamp in my very first EVER passport, and against the wishes of many it was stamped with UKRAINE!   God makes no mistakes on where He takes you, I can guarantee that!

       Meanwhile after getting my passport stamped the next order of business was find my way to baggage claim.  Thankfully English is a universal language, and although I was in another country, one in which Russian or Ukrainian is the primary language, there were still signs with English on them that directed me to my luggage.  I grabbed my luggage, Camo covered, borrowed from a friend just earlier that morning in Texas and was now about to walk out of a couple of doors across the world hoping someone I knew would be there.

    There he was, Kostya.  Oh, Kostya let me tell you a little bit about Kostya.  Constantine is his name, and being there for you is his game.  We met Kostya the Summer of 2017.  We knew nothing about him.  Zilch, Nada, ZERO!  We knew he was a man, and that was it.   Adding a little explanation here might help as to how we met him for those of you who don't follow our hosting journey.  Chaperones fly over from Ukraine with the children and remain in the states just as the children do.  These chaperones stay with host families as well.  Not always will you have a chaperone stay with you as there are only about 6-ish, who fly over with the children.  We are not guaranteed to have a chaperone in our home (or our area), but we are required to  be ready in the event housing is needed for them.  Up until this particular Summer, we had never housed a chaperone.  So this season of hosting would be our first chaperone hosting and our first time meeting Kostya. This fella ya'll is something special.  He loves with his whole heart and longs for the orphan to find hope.   Keeping it real we were very unsure of what hosting a chaperone would be like, and as I look back over this trip I praise God for easing our hearts and minds and bringing him into our lives that winter.  God is in the details.

     So I walk out the doors and this fella that less than one year prior had just met us and now had dropped everything he had to make sure I was able to get to our boy.  I might add that just weeks prior to this he was with a friend of ours who was there during her adoption process and he was getting them to and from making sure all was taken care of.  I'm telling you he is a TREASURE!

      So the first thing I did once I got to him was use the restroom.  Let me take a brief moment here to tell you about their toilet paper.  It's not toilet paper.  It's paper towel, and it's not bounty, the quicker picker upper.  It is a cross between sandpaper and school restroom paper towels, the brown kind.  You get me?  I hope so because there will be some more to this toilet/toilet paper fiasco to come, guaranteed.

         The second thing was change shoes.  I came in my Nike Tennis shoes, and Ukraine in March was no place for Tennis shoes.  So I changed those suckers to some new boots I had found on clearance at target MONTHS before this trip, but I knew God would get me over there one day so I had bought them and they sat in my closet until this moment.   The moment I would remove my tennis shoes and put on for the very first time the clearance boots that would take their first steps ever on Ukrainian soil and would help me to fit right in.

      The kicker, I didn't fit in.  Like didn't stand a chance, and Kostya reminded me of this each time I'd ask.  I was all bundled up in these new boots, my giant sweater with TEXAS across the front that I had seriously bought at Target a few hours before I had left DFW just one day prior.  I had my hat and gloves and I felt like I fit right in.  I would ask "Do I look like a Foreigner"?  Each time he would say YES and just laugh that I would even ask. Sure there are parts of the world where a red headed white girl would be an obvious foreigner, but here wasn't that place.  I "looked" just like the others, although the red hair isn't that common, the skin color was.  Yet, even when I upped my Ukrainian look alike game as we prepared to go to the grocery store with my hats, gloves, scarves, jacket, and rain boots and asked, "So what about now, do I look like I'm from here"  Kostya replied, "No, it's your face".

    Ladies, Kostya is single and ready to mingle and don't let this momentary use of verbiage deter you from pursuing him.  Let me explain his "It's your face" response before you jump on the "who does he think he is" train.  "It's your face" would be the greatest compliment I could receive but would also break my heart into pieces.  It took the majority of the trip to truly understand what he meant, but as each person I passed walked swiftly to their destination, head down or so far forward that they would not notice the smile on my face, and when they did I would later find out that they received it as mocking their current situation, I would realize what set me apart from most was my face.  It radiated a joy that didn't exist here, or to the majority of those here.  I KNOW there are people in that Country who do have that joy, and are living their lives allowing God to shine through them so that others can enjoy that light and joy as well, but for most it's not the case.  The best way Kostya could explain it to me was this - and I'll paraphrase as I don't remember his exact words, but it went something like this.

                     When you smile at them it is as if you are mocking them.  

                    As to say, my life is great and I can smile about it, but yours is 

                      not and I will flaunt my happiness despite your troubles.  

He went on to say...

                     We survive here, there is very little to be happy about.

Those words "It's your face" began the breaking process of my heart.

You know, we pray for God to give us eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart that would respond to the needs he has allowed us, even in the slightest way, to bear witness to.  However, what we, or I, was so very unprepared for was the breaking process that would need to take place in order to make room for the things I would see and the words I would here.

So ladies, next time a friend, your spouse or even a stranger tells you that "your face" is what set's you apart, hold back the urge to respond with wrath and allow God to remind you that He is the reason "your face" shines.

To be continued...

One year later

   

     

It was February 28th 2018, we got the call that our host son had lost his grandfather, his last

living blood relative that he had contact with.  As I cried my way through phone calls trying to track down my passport that I had applied for just a week or so before I realized I would not be there to hug him on this day, or even the next day.    It would be 8 days later before I would hug him.

      March 1st my passport would arrive and I would begin making arrangements to leave the country for one week.  HOLY MOLY the things this momma had to get ready to ensure that the children would get to and from the places they needed to be.  Let me tell you my husband can take care of some kids now!  I mean it IS what he does for a living and he ROCKS at it.  However, taking care of kids and knowing their schedules are two very different things.  Picture it, notebook paper, a table of sorts with the days of the week, each child's name (and husband) listed down the left side and each square of the table broken down into 3 parts.  Morning, Afternoon and Night.  This would tell where each child needed to be and how they would need to get there.  Some may think, ummm control freak?  I would say to that, YES!  I am a lover of all things schedules, pens, calendars and highlighters, so this was my JAM!  I must confess though, each calendar/planner (except for 2019) that I have ever bought was the most detailed, highlighted organized thing you ever did see up through January 16th.  Then for whatever reason that dream of organization sat untouched in my desk until the following year when I got a new one and repeated the process.  Alright, back on track.  So in preparation for me to leave the country for a week I had to make sure that the kids schedules were detailed by time and day which would need to include my husbands schedule of track practices and meets as well as who would be with the children when Matt could not be.  It was quite comical, and I am certain a friend of mine was at my house till nearly the midnight hour one of the nights I was gone waiting for my husband to get home so she could leave.  He rocked that schedule and many of our friends helped care for our children so that I had  nothing to worry about.

      March 6th, I kissed my husband goodbye and hugged my Momma as I walked teary eyed to security.  I wasn't anticipating the tears that early in the game, but something about flying across the world by yourself for the first time ever (first time across the world) kind of took me by surprise at the moment it became real.  I would soon be boarding a plane that would take me to Chicago and there I would get on a plane that would fly over the ocean (vomit) and land across the world.  I would then need to navigate a foreign airport with my Texas slang and hope I didn't miss my flight that would take me to Ukraine.  God was good and my biggest scare was in Chicago where I was borderline having a panic attack - and I don't panic attack - as I waited in the security line what was 3 miles long and my plane was boarding in 10 minutes.   It was a flash back to a few years ago when I was running through the Chicago airport trying to hug my boy before he left the country.  M21, the same gate that I would weep as the flight attendant went onto the plane, got my child off and brought him out to me so I could hug him, would be the gate I would be riding, literally riding to, with an attendant trying to make sure I got onto the plane.  I made it. Next stop, Vienna.

         When that airplane landed on the ground in Vienna after flying over the ocean for who knows how long it was glorious!!!  Here's the deal, I do not like to fly.  I don't *mind* it over land, but the thought of being in the air for HOURS over the ocean sounded like certain doom.  I self medicated myself with some Tylenol PM and slept as much as I could.  As they say, don't look down.  Which it was dark, so that helped.  I was in a constant mode of keeping my brain stimulated with something other than allowing it to think about what was happening.  Sleep, movies, books, music and eating.  All of the above helped occupy my thoughts for the 9 or so hours in the air.  So when it landed, and I knew I was now across the ocean and would only have a short 2-3 hour flight from there to Ukraine, over land, I felt much better.

       March 7th I got off of the plane and walked into the Kiev Airport.   GUY'S I WAS IN UKRAINE!  What the what?  Just one week earlier I was crying as I couldn't locate my passport, now 7 days later I would soon be walking out of an airport in a country that just 3 years prior I had never given any thought to.  I would be the one coming through the gate with Kostya waiting for me.  I would be the foreigner.  I would not know the language and most unprepared for of all, I would smile at people who never smiled back.

To be continued... 

What is Better?

I started out with this last night as a Facebook post, and when it grew to a book rather than a few lines I thought I better save it for a blog.  So here it is.

My thoughts...  Honestly, no lie... I thought of this while watching Walking Dead last night.  Do you watch too?? Man we are hooked.
Anyhow
I wondered these things, and I'll elaborate afterward, but "If we did not know there was better would we be satisfied with the what God has given us?"

Think on that.... IF we did NOT know there was better would we then be satisfied with what God has given us?   Now initially I thought, "Well there is always room for improvement and we have been taught, and even teach our children to not be satisfied. To always strive to get or be more." While there is truth in that, yes, there is also a scary line we look to cross over.

The truth in that specific idea of always striving to be better is very real and a quality I hope to instill in my children.  God has created us to achieve His desired plan for our lives.  It is not until we accept Christ, and pray to have God's guidance in regards to that plan that we are able to begin pursuing it.   In pursuing God's desire for our lives, I believe wholeheartedly that we should seek to achieve it with 100% perseverance and desire to be our best.  Now where the line gets crossed in this particular aspect I feel is when we as humans desire to not be God's best version of ourselves, but the worlds best version of ourselves.  It is becoming more and more of a fine line, and one that is crossed and so easily justified.  God created us just as he wanted us.  He made no mistakes. None.  That freckle, or in my case THOSE freckles were hand picked by God to go exactly where they are.  The face we see in the mirror it's God's image He gave to us.  We see flaws, God see's flawless.  So for this idea of contentment I say find contentment in God's hand designed creation, you, and be content in how Christ made us, not in what the world strives to make us.

Now more so onto what I stated at the beginning... the mind blowing question that "If we did not know there was better would be satisfied with what God has given us?"  In this I talk about things of life.... spouses, family, friends, jobs, children, homes, cars... ect.  These are parts of our lives that God has either given us by creation, or by financial ability (being mindful of the financial choices we make with what God has given us - God is not responsible for our irresponsible spending).  I feel like we, me included, find areas of our life we are are not content.  Not because we are not thankful for what God has given us, but because we are prayerful he would give us more or "better."  When all I can think is what is better?  Our judgement of better is what someone else has.  We judge better by looks, or what it seems to be.  When God gives us exactly what we need to do exactly what He wants us to do.  He gives us the BEST for us that He see's fit.  That should be enough, but It's not.  It seems it never will be.  So again... "If we did not know there was better would we be satisfied with what God has given us?"   Social Media is a dangerous playground for the discontented people.  Again, me included.  It is so easy to see "better" than what we have and desire for it to be ours.  Please do not mistake these thoughts with the notion that I do not think one should have desires of better.  I only feel the desires of our hearts should be those of what God desires for us.  It requires prayer and a relationship with Christ to truly seek those desires in a Godly way.  I see no problem with having desire and a will power to go out and be and make better for ones self.  For instance, we have what we need, and are able to get by and God has seen to it that we have been able to do this with one income.  However, I am now going back to school because we realize that this is not all God has planned for us.  Financially there are things we as a family would like to do, and God is calling us to do, that we just cannot do with the one income we have.  So, I prayerfully considered going to school to obtain a degree so that I can begin working and contributing to our income so that in the future the desires that God has placed on our hearts can be obtained.   Another example would be working to create a healthy lifestyle for oneself.  While social media and the world can give us this false vision of what that looks like, we have to understand that God created our bodies and considers them His temple.  We are to take care of them.  Desiring to be in great shape and healthy because the "great bodied girl" is is not the healthy approach or reason to take care of ourselves.  The desire to achieve a healthy lifestyle because it is what God calls us to do is the right approach.  So yes, having desires and acting on those are all great things and I do not want one to think I don't agree with having them.  It's quite the opposite!  I have found that pursing desires of our own heart, without Christ the center of our heart, so that we can have "better" is a vicious cycle.  Although when we pursue the desires of God's plan for our life we are able to not only obtain those goals through prayer and God's favor, but we also come to a point that we understand that what we have in our lives IS the best, and that better is only something the world wants us to have.  God, has already given us the best.

1 Timothy 6:6

Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment

Now...  I'll clean up the pieces for those who are thinking NEVER would I want to be content, even as a Christian, or follower of Christ, there is always room for improvement or to have or be better.  I say you are RIGHT.  I too do not EVER want to be content.  My question is though... are you looking for more of what the world has to offer to please your desires or are you looking to God and ALL He has offered for you and do your desires line up with His Word and His plans?  

My Prayer for me is to be content in what God has found best for me.   When God places a desire on my heart that is to bring me closer to Him or to lead me in His direction for my life, may I recognize it and strive to follow His plan.  When I see things of the world and desire them may I turn to God and thank Him that He has already provided me with all that I currently need, and that He will give me the desires of my heart as long as I seek Him.  May I be content with God's plan and not look for what the world has to offer but what God has offered.  - May we all be content.

As usual, that's my randomness and thoughts.  And of course, God created me and you and Tom and Sue all so different so agreeing is not always an option, and that is ok.  I just like to document this randomness so that one day when I am struggling with being content I can come back and read my own words. lol  Maybe you or someone you know is struggling with being content as well, and these words may be helpful.  

Lots of love friends!
Brittney <><

God Wink

I like to use the term "God Wink" when I feel like God is looking at me and Wink's His eye to say... "I've got this Brittney, I hear you and I love you" --- They are pretty much my favorite! :)

Like I cannot even wrap my brain around some of these and how God sees us.. He sees us, and knows what we need and fulfills those needs according to HIS timing and plan and our obedience. Ah.. Just so good.

So It's no secret we miss Andy (I will call him that for Blog purposes) ... I am not sure some understand as it's hard to understand, but it has left a hole in us that hurts every day. It does not feel right not having him here and I daydream about him being back.

Anyhow... You all know we've only heard from him that one time, a few days after he left. We have not heard specifically from him, but we have heard from "Him". God has heard us and provided us with smiles and re-assurance when we just want to cry, yet God keeps giving.

I've been doing a bible study this year in Revelation (scary huh) lol... That's some pretty intense business back there in the back of the Bible... Anyhow, Since Andy has gone back, and I have started school I have managed to not find the time to complete my bible study before each meeting on Wednesdays. It's bad, but it's true.

So After last week and not having my questions answered AGAIN I thought... BRITTNEY ANN what that you have going on is MORE important than spending time in God's word. I've created legitimate excuses in my mind, but none of which are reason enough to put God second. NONE. IF God is not first in our lives, all the other things we put first will be taken from us.. God desires and expects to be first in our lives and has no problem weeding out the hindrances in that. He will find a way to bring us back to Him and put Him FIRST in our lives. Above all...

So I grabbed up my bible study yesterday and sat outside while Brecklynn played. Then my mommy guilt set it- watching her play and not playing with her so I can do what "I" want. As hard as it is and as crazy as it may sound to some God expects to be put BEFORE even our own children. That is a tough one for Mommy's to swallow... or wives. Nothing is to come before God. Nothing. So... on with my bible study... I came to a part that stopped me in my tracks.

"Although the Bible teaches otherwise, we equate a smooth path with God's pleasures and see difficulties as bad"

This particular section of Revelation speaks about suffering. That when Christians suffer we feel like God cannot see us, or isn't listening. Or we wonder "Why on earth would God cause His people to suffer". Like the part from my study states "Although the bible teaches otherwise". We think being Christians gets into this elite group of people that bad things no longer happen to. That's as far away from the truth as you can get... personally I think life only gets Harder... but the hard we go through is for the greater good and that makes it worth it. God's people will suffer far greater in this earthly life in order to obtain eternal life. It's just part of it. --- That is a sermon for a Sunday morning from a seasoned Pastor.. I am not that. ha. Also, let me share that I do not feel as though we are "suffering" necessarily with missing Andy. It's just hard. Suffering comes in all shapes and sizes and is tolerated and understood differently by everyone. We just miss our boy and hate that he has to suffer.

So on to my point for this.

That part "we equate a smooth path with God's pleasures and see difficulties as bad". Ah.. for us, maybe me particularly, that is ever so true with this Hosting life. I think that if it does not fall correctly into place and all ducks do not line up in their perfect row that God must not agree with what we are doing How wrong am I. What a relief that is. That even if it is not going as smoothly as I (us know it all Humans *insert sarcasm here*) think it should go we think God is not with us. Well let me tell you about how He is with US in this.

Remember I tell no lies here. lol

I was on our private FB page fixing to type a sob story about how I miss my boy... Ok, maybe not a sob story.. but just that we miss him and miss him a lot.

At that very moment I received a message through FB from the chaperon that came over with the children and flew them back.

Let me back track... Last week in my desperation to here from Andy I reached out to her to see if there was any way we could talk to him, or find out how he is doing

--That has been the not so great part about hosting, not being in contact like we had thought we would... BUT every rose has it's thorns and we are SO thankful for the hosting opportunity and will speak highly and recommend it 10 times over.. but i'd be lying If I said that part has been smooth, but we Understand. There is an 8 hour time difference, a Language barrier that is FOR REAL and these children live in orphanages where in some cases the directors could not care any less if these children ever saw or heard from their American Families again....so I get it. Just makes it hard on us that miss them so much here in the states.

Ok... so back to today... logged into the private page, and the message comes up.

"Hi there!!!!! I spoke to a social worker :)))) Andy is good, he misses you all :((((( She said she will send me some photos and I will send you then. She will find you on FaceBook (I gave her your name) and Andy will try to call you :)))))"

I cried.

God heard me, God sees me and God never leaves us. He restores us when we feel depleted. He gives us what HE knows we need not what WE think we need.

So the moral to this loooonnnngggg (because I jabber way too much) story. Is as Christians, or what our Pastor likes to say (and the Bible) Disciples of Christ, we are to trust. We are to endure suffering, and when things do not go smoothly according to our plan, they are going smoothly according to God's perfect plan.

They tell you they grow up fast but...

Ah.. Yes, another post about how our children grow up so fast and how we need to make sure and "Enjoy the moment."  Well folks, until we realize the absolute truth in that we will miss one giant part of their lives.  When they are kids.
 I realize now, sadly enough almost too late for my oldest, that it really is a matter of enjoying the moment because there is so much those who told us "They grow up so fast" forgot to tell us.  Enjoying does not mean you have to be smiling or this super-mom/dad I can do it all kind of parent.  It simply means to embrace each day, whether that be with smiles, tears, laughter or sobbing, embrace the day that you have with your children while they are still kids.

So... It hit me hard while watching my boys play and interact at a playground last weekend that while people always tell you "They grow up so fast" they never seem to tell you the part about them not being kids anymore.  I know, I know, it sounds crazy that in them telling me they grow up so fast that I didn't catch on about them not being kids, but I didn't.  Am I alone in this?  I'd like to think not, but maybe so... If I'm not alone and you didn't realize it either... it's true.  They will not be kids anymore.

They tell you they grow up fast, but they leave out the part about them no longer running around in their underwear with their super man capes, swords and Captain America Masks while fighting the intruding (imaginary) bad guy.

They tell you they grow up but they leave out the part about them not coming to snuggle in bed with you anymore for no other reason than wanting to be near you and hold your hand.  The long talks at night while listening to them breathe and thanking God for each of those breaths, and those tiny hands holding yours.

They tell you they grow up but they leave out the part that they'll wake up one morning and want to dress themselves for school and will refuse to wear "handsome" clothes - I mean...I don't consider handsome to be just jeans and a shirt... but my 9 year old does and he now only wants to wear "athletic" clothes.  That's a battle you'll learn to not fight as long as they kind of match when they walk out the door... key word, kind of.

They tell you they grow up fast, but leave out the part about them wanting to do everything all by themselves.  They do not tell you they will not need you anymore.  Well, I mean, yes they still need you, but not like they used to... the times when if we heard "mommy can you..." one more time we thought we'd scream, yet in these days we just want to hear the word mommy... Oh yeah they don't tell you that either.. that they will not call you mommy anymore.  They call you this weird name that sounds like "mom"??? What is that and who is that?? I am mommy I do not know this "Mom" Creature!!

They tell you they grow up fast but leave out the part about them taking showers!  Like these little humans, these one's I used to tickle as I washed their feet, or held their head afloat during their first bath while trying to keep their umbilical cord dry - yes.. that piece of us that is still attached to them when they enter this world... Yeah, It falls off and they start taking showers.  Seriously, just like that.

They tell you they grow up fast, but do not tell you that they will not want you to hold their hand at school, or anywhere for that matter!  OH, and kisses in front of their friends... yeah, big no no!  I still sneak them in though, and really I kiss all of his little friends heads,  and thankfully he's not *too* resistant yet.. but it's dangerously close.

They tell you they grow up fast, but they do not tell you that that their zest for pretend play, imaginary things, and made up games are not longer noticeable.  Or that when we go to hunt for treasure that they are looking for $100 bills now not rocks, trash, old bottles, golf balls, sticks... yeah, none of that.. Just the big bucks! that's where it's at now.

They tell you they grow fast but fail to tell you they will no longer like their little brother.  Now they'll still "love" them... but liking them, no... Not any more.  We've been blessed with 3 sweet babies, two of which are the older brothers and when they were younger they played, and they played so good together.  To stand outside of their room while they were giggling, building, and being brothers one more time sure would be nice.   I'm sure the little brother would think so too... He's still "little" and after realizing these truths I'm soaking that up a little more.

 

Oh... They also tell you they grow up fast but forget to tell you they have this attitude, and are not afraid to use it!  What happened to the boy who thought I hung the moon??  The boy who lit up when I'd talk.. Now when I talk, I'm pretty sure he closes his eyes and his ears and proceeds to whisper to himself how un-cool I am.

They also tell you they grow up so fast but do not tell you they will not let you take pictures of them anymore...  unless you are a ninja and can get one quick enough,  however, they will be making some ridiculous face or it will be blurry because your ninja skills need some work.

But...

What they also forget to tell you is it's ok.  Or will be.. because some days it does not seem ok.

They tell you they grow up fast but forget to tell you they will begin to be their own person.  They will begin to like and love what they like and love not what you do, and that's OK and very interesting to watch take place.

They tell you they grow up fast, but forget to tell you that, while you are maybe not "cool" you are still the only person they want to see when they don't feel good.  The person they confide in and say "you better not put this on FB" lol!  Times have changed... I would have been like... you better not pick up that rotary phone and spin that little dial.  <---- Yea, we had one.  Don't hate.

They tell you they grow up fast, but forget to tell you that the person they are becoming, while at the time does not seem to reflect ANYTHING you have shown them or taught them in the year's prior, is the person they are supposed to be.  They cannot always be naive.

They will grow up, they will be different and although I wish it back sometimes just because I feel like I didn't understand all that came with "They grow up so fast"  and listen mine is only 9!!  Lol... God help me when I'm sharing my thoughts on my teenager.  It is an honor to be able to sit back and watch your babies become who God created them to be. As much as it pains me to write, to see them not need you as much, to figure things out on their own, and to cultivate friendships that us as mothers and fathers cannot give them is a true gift of God.  God does not allow some parents the chance to see their children grow up.  So I am humbled by the fact that God has trusted me thus far, and continues to allow me to see my babies grow up.

So next time someone tells you "They grow up so fast"  please know what they meant to say is that they will not be kids anymore.  So stare at them, count their freckles,  listen to them breathe, cut their finger nails and not get grossed out, tell them you love them 1 bazillion times a day.  Tell them you are proud of them, laugh, and laugh HARD with them.   Take many pictures... It is the only proof you'll have that they were kids because there will be a day where you will wonder if they ever were?Take them on walks just because they still want to go on walks.  Wash their hair and try to count each strand.  Talk about the world unknown during the time that whatever you tell them is still true.  Soon enough everything you tell them is a lie and absurd.   Because, we know nothing right??  I know, I don't know anything either.  Luckily we haven't' gotten to this phase yet with either of my boys and I am also thankful that we have not jumped full fledged into each of these I listed, we've just tip toed in them all.. some we've gotten pretty wet with though. I know it's coming, It's on our doorstep... I'm Pretty sure it's during those teenage years everyone talks so poorly about that we get the FULL effect of them all..  I'm praying for them though and praying to have God's guidance... it's our only hope if we are honest with ourselves.  WE as parents are just the people in which God works through to raise HIS children.  We just have to be willing to see that, accept it and do our job that God has called us to do, be parents.  The good, the bad, the easy and the hard... It's all party of the bigger picture.

So I'll leave you with... They grow up so fast and will not be kids anymore so savor it and kiss them.