Hosting, A View From The Start

So a few weeks ago I had a fellow volunteer of P143 and host mother reach out asking if I would share our story of hosting.  "Your heart", is what she asked to know more about out, as well as the why.  One of these is far easier to explain than the other.

When we hear of a child without a family, one without a safe place, a group of people championing a love, consistency and connection based relationship and WE have the opportunity to be that for them, to show them Christs love, we shouldn't need a why.  Jesus gave us the answer to why all those years ago, and His answer and our answer will always be the same, Love.

Exploring God

This story that goes back to our College days and meeting a fella, Samuel, through my roommate Amy.  Twelve years later God would lead us back to Sam and his family and their story of orphan hosting.  While moving in my heart nearly 2 years prior for the orphaned child and continuing to neglect and push aside this call from God, God never stopped pursuing me as He knew that there was a child who needed our YES instead of our WHY.  After reading briefly about orphan hosting and following up with a phone call to Sam's wife regarding their hosting, I found myself researching all I could about Project One Forty Three (P143) and orphan hosting.

After so much prayer, and fear being trampled by courage our family knew that God had us in mind for orphan hosting.

October 2015 is when it all began, the prayer, paperwork and fundraising it would take to bring a child from across the world into your home is never ending.  While the paperwork and fundraising comes and goes the need for prayer is constant.  We had no idea how our lives would change on that December day when we would finally meet our host son.  It was another moment that the "why" was so evident and God would bind our hearts for one another with the smile of a terrified 10 year old boy finding an over excited and tear faced couple smiling back.

This child.  Prior to arrivals we prayed over which Country to host from as there were three options at the time we began researching.  After meeting with our coordinator we soon found out that two of the three countries deadlines had already passed.  Leaving Ukraine as our only option.  Being honest here, I'm not even sure if I had ever heard of, and know for sure I had never given ANY thought to Ukraine prior to these days.  God at work.

1st Hosting

 Days would pass and we continued to look through a photo listing of children eligible to travel and be hosted.  With tears down our face as we scroll through photo after photo we could not find peace in choosing one specific child.  After praying and meeting with our pastor we narrowed down our age range/gender to a pre-teen/younger boy.  There were 2 left.  We reached out to the coordinator about the two remaining and she informed us that one of the two had already been placed on hold by another family.  There was one child left.  A126 - the number attached to a child with a name, with a story and with a hope that he would be chosen by a family.  Literally a week before the photo listing was closed and only days remaining for paperwork and financial agreements to be turned in God chose the child for us that we would have never been able to choose on our own.  God at work.

We are 5 years in now.  We are who he calls when he needs help on homework - English of course, when he breaks his arm - TWO different times, with girl trouble - whom we advised about in the first place, but who listens to adults these days anyway?  We are also who he writes "I love you" to, who he can count on to say I love you too.  We're who he called when his legal guardian of 9 years, and grandfather passed away suddenly.  He's who I flew across the world to see just so I could hug him and remind him that he is still loved despite his GREAT loss.  We are Mom, Dad, Brothers and Sister.  We are his family and he is ours and we are seeking God's will and guidance as we navigate a hopeful adoption. Something we never anticipated when we began this journey. God at work.

8th Hosting

Orphan hosting, it's a beautiful mess... heavy on the mess most days yet God beautifully and perfectly creates masterpieces from such messiness.   It's a YES that will forever change a child's life.  It connects them with family, with people who let God take care of the whys and focus on His answer on the cross, Love. God at work.

I'm not sure many know, but we were his 3rd host family.  He had been with one family for two host seasons and with another for one.   Up until his arrival at the airport in Ukraine to fly to Texas that very first time he thought he was headed to Florida.  It's where he was hosted the summer before us.  My first thought, and likely yours is "That seems hard" or "Unfair" and I agree.  This boy of ours has had to walk through some pretty hard and unfair things prior to walking into our arms.  Life has since been hard and unfair, meeting us didn't change any of those things for him, what it did change was that he had a family to go along side him as he walked through these things.  He now has hope.  He now has faith.  He now has family.  He knows love, and love knows him. God at work.

Summer hosting is coming and there are So. Many. Children waiting on a YES, a yes from someone who sees the cross before they see the child.  I understand that not everyone can host.  It's logistically impossible for some, but we can ALL play a part.  We can all pray for those on the photo listing.  If hosting is something you can do and you are willing to look to the cross and past the whys and the daunting how's, God will connect you with a child.  Not to sugar coat any part of the process, and certainly not to sugar coat the actual hosting, I will say with truth and experience that it is HARD and sometimes these children come with more than we can handle.  Sometimes we host and never host again, and that is not a sign of defeat.  God is who He says he is in the hard, the easy and in what I believe to be the most lived in, the uncertain.  It's the place where we just aren't sure what's coming next or if what we have done or are doing matters.  Any and everything done for God's glory matters and shines light and points the world to Him who then leads us to eternity and Y'all, that is GOD AT WORK!

Pray how God will use you this coming hosting season.  Will you be a prayer warrior?  Will you go alongside a family and be their encouragement?  Will you financially donate to someone you know who's hosting or to P143 so that grants can be used to lessen the financial costs to a family waiting with a YES?  Will you be the one who says YES to a child?  I encourage  you to look over the photo listing as you pray.  Let God move in you in the direction He desires you most.  You can visit www.p143.org to view the photo listing - once the summer listing is active.  In the mean time share this, pray over the waiting children - the millions of children both here and across the world waiting on a family!  The need is all the same - love.

The Road to Passion 2020, How Passion 2019 Paved The Way

 



    I have had to miss Church now for the past three weeks.  So this morning I woke up and decided I'd share a story very dear to my heart that shines light on God and how He uses the Church to bring about faith and boldness, as well as answer to prayers.

Where it started
    In August of 2019, while a College Student, I was reminded of Passion, a conference for college students to come and spend 2-3 days immersed in God's word and worship.  Seeing as I was in college again, I thought I'd log on and see about going.  Fun fact, "College Student" means an 18-25 year old, so I had missed the mark by a few years.  While looking over the website I came across "Door Holder", which is Passion's way of describing a Volunteer founded in the Scripture, Psalms 84:10

"I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God

than dwell in the tents of the wicked."

Door Holder

     A Door Holder is a person who happily opens the door for a student to welcome them into an opportunity to experience the Lord.  While this can literally be a person holding a door open, it also means a smiling face in the hallway, a person serving food at lunch time, someone selling bibles and t-shirts in the resources department.  Door Holders are the very people that make Passion run smoothly.  From the speakers to the trash pickup crew (that's me) door holders are there to ensure the students have the best mindset and are prepared, ready and eager to meet with Jesus.

Touch Team

    I received an e-mail about two months prior to the start of Passion 2019 that indicated I would be a part of the Touch Team.  Back during the application process you are asked your top three areas you would prefer to serve.  I had no clue what the "Touch Team" was but good heavens I do love to touch.  So this seemed perfect.  It was my first choice, and with God knowing us better than anyone He worked through the hearts of those placing the Door Holders and Touch Team is where I landed.  Upon arriving to the Door Holder meetings early the first morning God had been stirring in my heart take hold of the word intentional and seek Him at every opportunity to dig deeper with it.  I'm not a New Year's resolution girl, nor was I a "Word/Theme for the year" person, but God was so intentional with me that I be intentional with who He was putting in front of me for these next 3 days.  

Intentional, A lesson from Dustin

    Early morning of the first day door holders were required to check in and prepare for the door holder meeting.  My first point of contact was a door holder who checked me in, gave me my shirt, a bracelet and a lanyard that I would wear for the next three days.  A few hours later while touring the facility the conference was being held at a gentleman eagerly waved in my direction, "Hi Brittney!"  Having no clue who he was I did what all people do, I waved back just as eagerly "Hi!"  

    By this point we were separated into our teams, and had a few hours of downtime after the tour.  This is when each of us began sharing our New Year resolutions or words/themes for the year.  I explained that I had never really had one, but that God was really making it clear to be Intentional with  my time and the people he placed in front of me these next few days.   I still had no idea what God was wanting from me or how to accomplish this task with 6,000 students that would be flooding through the doors in a few hours, but I knew I needed to pay attention.  

    After sharing with our group I had gone to leave for a little bit and while headed down the stairs I spotted the man who was waving so eagerly earlier in the day.  I stopped and asked him how we might have known each other, and his response forever changed how the next 3 days, and all the days of my life after that would go.  "I checked you in this morning."  This was it.  This was God's answer to my prayer of how in the world do I be intentional these next few days.  Dustin was his name, which he had told me that morning when he checked me in, but you see I was already skipping opportunities to be intentional with who God put in front of me.  

     Dustin checked in hundreds of Door Holders that morning, and remembered my name.  I had met maybe a handful of people by this point and had remembered maybe one of them.  I thanked Dustin for being the answer I was looking for and went along the next three days waving eagerly at Dustin each and every time I saw him.  Now I was ready to be intentional, so I thought.  God doesn't want us nor does he expect us to figure it all out and then move about without Him on our own and only come back to Him periodically when we feel a bit overwhelmed again.  He wants to be beside us every moment of every day encouraging us or re-directing us to ensure His plan and purposes are fulfilled.

January, 2nd 2019 - 5pm

You know in Joshua when God holds back the raging waters so that the Israelites could cross the Jordan river.  This was the scene.  The moment God released the waters and the flood raged on again, I was living this in 2019.  The doors out front were holding back the students, and once it was go time the doors were opened and the flood of students came pouring in.  It was SO fun to see their anticipation and to encourage them as they ran by to find a seat.  Yet as hundreds of them were running by I was overwhelmed on how in the world to be intentional with these people.  For two hours I gave high fives, danced around and helped students find seats that would accommodate their needs best.  By this point I had met a few students, most of which were coming back by and saying "Hi Brittney" and I was still not remembering their names.  Asking God for help in this he gave me my "Front row crew" or that's what I would call them.  As it began to get closer to 7pm, the actual start time of the first session students were pretty well situated and I was able to head down to an area of the theater (my front row crew) that I could meet and visit with groups of students that were seated.  Here is where I would meet Wyatt.

January 3, 2019 - 8am

     Picture the flood scene again.  Nothing has changed this very cold morning.  Doors opened and students poured in.  Another opportunity to high five and dance my way through the next two hours.  Another opportunity to visit with students God had placed so intently on the front row.  On this second day two girls whom I had met the night before, Brooke and Jacqueline were back on my row, and had done so purposefully so we could visit again - how good is God when we are walking in His obedience. I had also met a group of girls who also had planned to sit in the similar area so that we could visit on this second day.  These kiddos sure know how to make an ol' gal feel special.  We had a fantastic day two!  The thing about day two was that I had not seen Wyatt and his crew this day, and as I left that evening at about 11pm I was still wrestling with how to let these students know that I had met that I DID care about them and they were important to me, but even more so important to Jesus.  

    Laying in bed the eve of day three, the last day, God simply said  - Write their names down and ask if you can be praying for them.  Now hear me out, some of you are likely saying "I have never heard God say anything before"  Here is where I tell you, God speaks to us in different ways.  For me my experience has been when I KNOW God has spoken something so specifically into my heart it is usually when I'm in prayer or confusion and His peace breathes an idea or a solution into my heart that can only be God.  So when this thought of write their names down and ask for a prayer request came into my head I knew it was God.  For 1,  I was never a "can I pray for you" to a complete stranger kind of gal before this.  So, I know it was God breathed. I also had no paper to do this with so I knew God wanted more from me to make sure and accomplish what He needed.  God often makes things a little more difficult when He's involved just to ensure we follow through with faith and not with our abilities. When God speaks to us specifically to accomplish a task we have to make sure and listen and obey.  It's not only our lives being altered, it likely is the life of someone else we are denying God's goodness to.

January 4, 2019 - 8am

Flood scene, day three.  Prior to this release of the gates I had purchased a small journal so that I could be very intentional with the few people God continued to put in front of me on this front row, or on my isle.  So as the students flooded in and the high fives and "GOOD MORNING I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE" mantra had concluded I began looking for the few I knew God had meant for me to follow through with.   First up, Isla & Brittany - these two lovelies made their way up and down my isle each day.  I had not gotten the chance to chat with them as they ended up sitting outside of my zone, but I did meet them coming and going on the isle.  Next up, Brionna, Blayre, Katy & Taelor.  This crew was in my section and we were able to visit most days.  I had also seen Brooke and Jacqueline who happened to not make it on

my front row, but hollered at me as I walked by so that we could visit for a bit  on this last day.  SO sweet! A little side note, I was able to see Brionna and Blayre this year at Passion.

Last but not least

As I walked back and forth on the front row, a long way out of my "zone" I heard "Brittney!"  I had turned around to see Wyatt and his group of friends.  Mind you I hadn't seen them the day before, but he was one that God kept putting on my heart from night one to make sure and find.  Little did I know God had HUGE plans for both he and I that would be set in motion.  God had also encouraged Wyatt to get back on the front row so we would cross paths.  Wyatt shared how the day before they had made it down closer to the stage but how that last day God was specific that he needed to get back on the front row.  I of course shared how nice that was and went on with how God was working in me to be intentional and how He had specifically put Wyatt on my heart and wanted me to ask for a prayer request from him.  

   I had sat my journal down prior to running into Wyatt so I left for a moment to go and grab it and came back and Wyatt began with "I think I need to tell you something"  He went on and explained that just recently some things transpired with his family, primarily his sister, that were heavy on his heart.  More specifically he shared that when his mother dropped him off at the air port to fly to Dallas for this event she made sure to remind him to find someone at the conference that could pray for his sister.  He had been looking and hoping for someone that could pray for her.

   Here we were, day three.  There had not been any type of alter call for prayer or any other time set aside specifically for such.   So on this third day, the last session Wyatt had planned to go and find someone afterward who would pray for his sister.  Meanwhile with Wyatt planning to search for someone, God had already put it in my heart to search for him so that I could pray.  

Passion 2019

   This moment, I'm not sure either one of us really knew what to do with it, but what we did know is I needed to pray.  Guys, God is good!  Up until this point I had not been one to volunteer to pray out loud at most anything.  However, here I was about to pray out loud for a set of strangers that God so intentionally placed before me.  The prayer that left my mouth and was heard immediately by God was a prayer that only God could have placed in my soul.  It was BOLD and FAITH FILLED and called on our God to WORK in the lives of this precious family.  When we finished we all were in awe of what God had done.  It was an incredible moment. One that I hadn't wanted to write about because the words just do not bring justice to the moments, but I'm hopeful the story will spark BOLD FAITH in you to trust our God.

"He will"

    "Though my sister doesn't know it yet, God is doing big things and I already bought her ticket to Passion (2020) because I believe He will."   That message was sent to me from Wyatt the day after we left Passion 2019.  After a few months of checking in with both he and his mom on how things were going I hadn't heard from him in quite a while.  The prayers continued, the belief that God would move in mighty ways continued and on December 30th, 2019 (1 day before Passion 2020)  I get this message "I'm in Atlanta now... my sister is here with me."  Que the happy tears!!

    We were able to meet up on day two of Passion 2020, January 1, 2020 and I hugged the neck of this sweet girl, a complete stranger, that I had been praying for during the past year.  An answer to prayer in the flesh and in my arms.  One that began with God stirring in my heart to attend Passion

Passion 2020

2019, knowing good and well I was to old for such and instead lead me to the opportunity to serve.  Which then led me to Dustin who showed me what it looked like to love people and be intentional when we cross paths.   Another side note.  When I arrived to Passion 2020 the VERY FIRST PERSON I SAW as we turned the corner to registration was DUSTIN!!!!

Be the Church

    As I mentioned above, I am having to miss church for the third week in a row.  However, what I am reminded is that we never have to "miss Church" we are called to be the Church, we must be intentional with our time with God so that we can be intentional with how we serve Him.  We have to listen and obey.  Always.  No questions asked.

    Now, this is not an open invitation to skip church, God tells us we need to gather with like minded individuals in order to encourage and be poured into so that when we do leave those walls we can share the Truth of God to all outside of them.  Yet I want to encourage you to not keep the truths and goodness of what we learn in those walls there.  BE INTENTIONAL as you leave that building so that God can use you in lives wherever you are.  Show people they are loved, and we do that best when we love them as Christ loved us.  It's commanded to us. 

   I'll finish with this.  PRAY.  The entirety of this story began and ended with prayer.  God needed me to be intentional so that I would pray over the specific person who needed it that day. 

   Pray when your unsure what to pray, pray when you are bold in faith.  Pray with people you love most, pray with strangers.  Pray in quiet, pray out loud.  Pray with BOLD FAITH that God is who He says HE is and that HE WILL DO WHAT HE SAID HE WOULD DO.  He tells us that He works for the good of those who love him - Romans 8:28.  Just remember, the "good" in that verse is in light of eternity.  He is preparing us for eternity because there is where the  GOOD awaits us.

For the Good

 

   I'm willing to bet I'm not completely alone in the way I understood one of the most noted and recited verses in the Bible, Romans 8:28.   Now, I'm also willing to bet that a great majority of you, especially the ones who have studied scripture might listen to my words and wonder how I could have totally missed the mark on this one.   For those of you like the earlier me, I hope this helps.  For those of you who have understood all along, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME! haha.

     Romans 8:28 tell us this

 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" - NIV version

       For years, and by years I mean approximately 20, I had heard this verse.   Generally spoken during seasons of hardship, or maybe a season of grief and loss to serve as a reminder that God is good and works for our good.  That's all fine and great and incredibly true but as we walk those seasons those words sting a little and leave us questioning where we've gone wrong to experience this pain or hardship if our God is working for good.

   I mean think about it.  You've just lost your job, "Oh, God is working for your good".  You've just ended your marriage "Oh, God is working for your good"  You just found out your life will be cut short to an illness, "Oh, God is working for your good".  The actuality here is that in those moments nothing about any of those can be seen as good, especially when we have a misunderstanding of what "for good" actually is representing in these verses.   Let me add here before I even explain my understanding of that verse.  Even when we humanly (which is faulty) understand what Paul (the writer of Romans) is saying here the pain that goes along with scenarios I've mentioned or ones I have not is real and appropriate.   Do not ever mistake grief for a lack of trust.  The lack of trust comes when you allow grief to rule over you.  God knows the pain we endure while facing hardships and He knows what grief looks like.  He also knows what hope looks like, and he placed it on a Cross so that grief would not win.  This one verse will not eliminate grief, it should instead shine a light on hope as you walk through grief so that you find your way out.

   So for years my thoughts regarding Romans 8:28 revolved around me and my life on earth.  I legitimately thought that this "good" would be coming my way and I (not) so patiently had been waiting for specific answers, exact directions, maybe a new car or house to go along with it which in my earthly opinion were the good things.  I also wondered why I had encountered things that were not good during my walk with Christ.  He had pursued me and I had accepted him as my Savior yet a year later he took the most important woman in my life at this point.  The woman who raised me, my grandmother, home to Him.  Great for her, not good for me.  I instead was left to fall asleep each night alone only to wake each morning and jump up to my window to make sure the car that was gone the night before was back the next morning.  Then two months later suffered an injury that would take sports away from me my senior year of high school.  The sports that held that woman I lost two days before this senior year and I together like glue.  It was her happy place and was the piece of her I still had, now gone.  That was not good...  And looking back now those troubles seem minuscule to the loss and devastation I see now as an adult, and I think to my self, this is not good.   God where is this "good" you are supposed to be working on?

 Spoiler alert:

   The good mentioned in the verse is not intended for here on earth. 

      Prior to knowing Christ life is just life.  God is God, but until we come to know Him we are unable to be molded and used for His greater glory.  Now our life before Christ is every bit of the testimony of who God is, but our life begins it's purpose when it is found in Christ.  The part "for the good of those who love him"  That can only be true for those who love him.  I mean, that part of the verse is very clear.  When we are not one with Christ and do not love him He is unable to work for our good.  Our good is in heaven and apart from Christ there is no heaven.   God is able and begins to prepare us for our Heavenly home once we accept Him as our Savior, believe who He is and what He has done.  He does not end this work until it is completed (Heaven).   God is working for our good, it's just that God is working in us and through us for our Heavenly goodness.  To know that the hardships, the seasons of grief and pain while walking with the Lord are not in vain and are instead in preparations for our place in Heaven allows for hope despite the earthly view of hopelessness.

    Now, can life on earth be good?  Most certainly!  There is so much beauty and goodness that God allows for us to experience here on earth.  However, we cannot allow this beauty and goodness provided to us here to take the place in our hearts that God has made for Him.  When things do not appear to be "good" here, we must know that they will be in Heaven and that God is working for our Good in Heaven.  He is preparing us for our Heavenly home and because of that I can rest in His peace while waiting out the difficult seasons here on earth and I can trust that the places He has taken me have been preparing me for His heavenly plan and that it is GOOD ya'll!!

   So this verse that reminds us that God is working for our good... let it be a reminder that God IS working for our good.  Just also remember that Heaven is where it is good, and we will never experience the Eternal good God has planned for until we are in His presence in Heaven.


 

 


 
             
            
             
 

Complacent

 
     To try to elaborate on something you really cannot explain or understand yourself is a task I have yet do effectively.   I'm so bad at it that I have erased over and over what I am trying to write next, like I seriously have been sitting here for 15 minutes and have gotten this far.

   Here is what I've found so far.  The people I have been able to relate to and I feel understand are those who have also been re-worked by God secondary to experiencing something beyond their normal every day routine. So far relating has happened through reading books by people I have never met and likely will not ever get to sit down with and say YES, YES, YES!!!   Lets just add here that the fact that I have read more books since going and returning to Ukraine is a testament to God that a work is being done in me!  Listen, I BARELY read when I was supposed to for College, so to read on my own without any grade depending on it is the work of God. 

   Lets also share some truth.  If you're the judging type you'll have a hay day with this...I have never read the Bible in it's entirety. Never.  That is terrible, I know.  I have been a believing Christian since I was 16.  Insert the Preacher voice here that says "Believing is not the same as living and it's hard to live out what you do not understand."  I know verses, I know stories and I ABSOLUTELY know the sacrifice Jesus Christ made in order to save me from my sin.  However I didn't know the context to those verses, I didn't know the reason for the stories, and while I knew the sacrifice that was made for me, I had yet to fully understand the sacrifice WE should make for Christ.  I had become complacent in knowing what I knew about God and the life I was living.

 Now before you start yelling at me about how we do not have to do anything or sacrifice anything to receive the Grace of Jesus Christ, let me yell back (with kindness and smiley faces) I KNOW!  Here is what God is showing me though.  Receiving this FREE (to us) gift of Grace paid for at the cross is not the end to the story, it is the beginning!  We've become complacent with this grace and wear it around and flaunt it and shout to the world that we don't have to do anything for it, and listen you are right.  But here is where we are wrong, or where God showed me how I was wrong.  We do not have to do anything FOR it.  However, you bet your life that we should be doing things BECAUSE OF IT!

"If we convince ourselves that we have reached a point of satisfaction in which we are comfortable with our faith and do not feel the need to move any further toward pleasing God and getting out of our comfort zone, we have lost the battle, and have been deceived by the Enemy." - Grayson Oliver

As hard as it is to admit, complacent was what I was prior to leaving.  It wasn't something I created on purpose, but Satan has a way of leading us away from the desires of God when we are not fully equipped with His Armor to protect us.  Thankfully while in Ukraine God exposed me of this by showing me a world beyond myself filled with people who will never experience God if those who HAVE experienced God are resting in complacency.

I did not want to return to that.

Receiving Grace is not the finish line, it's the firing of the Gun that startles our bodies into the forward motion of running the race.  However when we become complacent in our race before it is finished we deprive God of using us for His glory.

Death is our finish line, Eternity is our prize and complacency is the thief of God's great race He has set before us.

You know it's coming so here it is.

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us" Hebrews 12:1

Spoiler Alert: It has nothing to do with Cross Country or Track, unless of course you are running to glorify God and that my friends is a race worth running.







 

Coming Home

March 13th, 2018

     Something I've only told a few (until now) is that I did not want to come back.  I mean I kept it to myself for a while, and even from my Husband for a few weeks.  I wasn't sure how to explain it, how
people would respond or even what it meant.  I still don't.

    Now of course I was ready to see my Husband and my children, and yes I love my family and

friends, but if the opportunity was available I would have flown my husband and chlidren to me and never returned.  Ok, maybe not never, but certainly not then.

  At first thought I'm sure most of you are thinking "oh, yeah, I bet it was so hard leaving Andriy there" and while it was,  the crazy thing, it had NOTHING to do with Andriy, and still doesn't.  Now granted yes, If I happened to be in his country for an extended length of time I am sure that I would try to visit him.  Yet, me not wanting to return home was not because I wanted to stay with him.  While there what caught me off guard was how cared for he was, and the words "I cannot take him from her (grandma)" are words that I shared with a dear host/adoptive mom while I was there!  He was loved and so adored, and despite his teenage attitude the feelings are mutual toward his grandmother as well.  This sense of not wanting to come back home was not a motherly instinct to be with her child, it was far more and seemingly complicated to explain, hence me not telling many people and one I'll ease my way into.  Hopefully.

    I know how crazy it sounds, and I KNOW it doesnt' make sense, but for whatever reason returning home felt scarier than staying in a foreign country.  The person I left as was not the person that would be returning, yet I had to ride home the day I returned doing my best to be the wife, mother, friend and person I was when I left.

   One year in I'm doing a terrible job at being "here" because my heart was broken for the people there.  While my smile tells the story of joy my heart would tell a very different story.






 

 

The Goodbye's

  March 12, 2018

     We had arrived back at their house to gather our things and prepare to head back to Kiev.  My plane would leave the following morning (Tuesday) at 6am.  Once there at their house I was able give Andriy's grandmother a little piece of my heart by way of a note that Kostya translated for me.  It was one that thanked her for who she was, what she had been and planned to do.  It told her how much we appreciated her and whatever she needed we would do our best to provide.   It ended with

  "Thank you for taking care of him when I cannot"

   She read it with tears as I watched with the same. She knew we loved him, and boy did she love him as well.  She reminded me so much of my grandmother.  She built her life around caring for him.  She was always up before him with breakfast made.  Washing and hanging his clothes to dry.  Lunch and Dinner were always ready.  I even at one point got on to him for not helping her carry

The last day

some things out to the chickens and she pointed to his arm (which at this time still had the cast).  Give me a break! Ha! I said "He has two"! She just laughed.  So yeah, he's taken care of and do you remember how he wouldn't leave with me, ever.  I had finally got the truth out of him as to why.  He didn't want to leave his grandmother there alone.   Just as much as she loves him, he too loves her.

   This however would lead the way to a very needed conversation, Summer hosting.  Seeing as he didn't want to leave grandma for even a few hours, how in the world was he going to leave the Country for a few months!  We had talked briefly about summer hosting a couple of days earlier as I had already thought about this possibility and all he could tell me then was that he was not sure.  However, on my last day there we had to come up with a plan as I would need to let the organization we use, Project 143, know whether or not we would be hosting or not.  So with the help of Kostya he was able to talk with Grandma and get her thoughts and whether or not she was ok with him coming.  She of course was, and this eased many of Andriy's fears giving the go head to Summer hosting.

   So now we had to leave. Blah.  I bet I walked back to his room 7 times to just hug him!  He didn't come to the door to say his goodbyes, he stayed in his room.  So I hugged him over and over there in his room and made my way out.  As we walked out the front door to leave I had Kostya ask his grandmother if there was ANYTHING she needed before we left.  I'll never forget, and I'll never EVER be the same because of it.  She simply said,

     "I only want to have food for us, for our water to work and our house to be warm"

 Grandma had walked with us to the stop while Andriy stayed back and we hugged her once more there with tears and made our way onto bus number one.  We'd go from there to the area right out side my hotel and wait for the bus that would take us back to Kiev.   I'd listen to a play list that I had on repeat each and every day while there.   Something some of you may not know about me, but music is my therapy.  I guess the music played would depend on the therapy needed.  For me the therapy most often needed is that from God.   His grace, His plan, His faithfulness, His power, His sovereign ways, His presence.  I would need these reminders constantly throughout this trip, my way home and very single day since being back.

Bus lady number one

    We arrived in Kiev, rode the subway back toward Kostya's house and then waited again for another bus.  This particular bust stop took sardine to a whole new level.  It was more like a can of worms, or biscuit's that when you opened it the contents just exploded out.  Bus after bus would bring these people and then more people would pile in.  The laughter this would bring was greatly needed.  Not to mention the bus ride from Andriy's house to the first stop just so happened to have bus lady number one which was also quite comical as I tried to snap photos of her so I'd always remember her, and no it wasn't the sweet second lady.

    I'm so thankful God met me in those places bringing laughter despite the heartache.  Having Kostya as a travel guide and protector was a testament to God's faithful plan and protection.  I've often told people since being back, I had not laughed that much, nor cried that
 much in a very long time.  I

Last sardine bus ride

needed both.

    We eventually arrived back to Kostya's house close to 10 pm that Monday evening.  After visiting with his mother for a little while and getting my bags packed Kostya said "so do you want to take a nap or what"  I laughed and said a NAP?  He said, "we have to be up at 2" - being as it was pretty close to midnight at this point a nap is exactly what I took.  After about an hour and a half of the sleep you get when you know you have something very important to do, which means you hardly sleep at all because you wake up in a panic every 30 minutes certain that you missed it, I woke to his mother cooking us a wonderful meal.  It's 2am ya'll.  I know where Kostya

Maybe becuase it was the closest thing to Amrican
food we ate, but this was one of my favorites!

gets his heart from.  His sweet momma had not slept yet as she was up preparing this meal so that I would not be hungry before I left.

    We hugged while saying our goodbyes and Kostya and I hopped in the Uber to make our way to the Airport.  I got all checked in, a few pictures next to the 🛧💓 KBP, and hugged Kostya one last time. It was like departures in America with the children except I was the child and Kostya was the parent.  He stood there and watched till he couldn't see me any longer.  Then sent messages to make sure I was where I needed to be in order to board my plane.

   First stop, Germany.  I'd be here for a very small layover, and would then board a plane that would take me straight to

Kiev Airport 

Dallas.  I'd use the same techniques to get me from Germany to Dallas as I did from Chicago to Vienna.  Sleep, books, music, movies and food.  Eleven or so hours later I landed in Dallas.  What should have been feelings of relief and excitement for being home was instead feelings of wanting nothing more than to have not ever returned. Plot twist right?!

   That isn't to say that I was not thrilled to see my husband and children, because I was.  I mean, have you seen them?  It was just that I was not ready to go back to living the life I had become so accustomed to after leaving behind a population of people who only wanted,

  "food for us, for our water to work and our house to be warm."

 I'd return home to a place that expected the same me that left a week ago to return.  The only problem was that I wasn't the same and coming back different to a place that's the same is very, very difficult. 

Rejoice

March 18, 2018

   So Kostya had made it back to their house and we enjoyed dinner and an evening of Durak (the card came). Who would have thought that a simple card game would be the start to the hardest night thus far.   This particular night of playing the game would be one met with attitude and disrespect from Andriy to me.  I can look back now and see that me leaving the next day was likely a trigger for his behavior.  Since this trip I have learned a  bit more about children of trauma and hard places and have learned along the way by experiencing it first hand, talking with people who have walked the path much harder than I and with far more severe situations.  It's tough.  So with Andiry behaving this way on my last night there was difficult.

God speaking to me, through me and
reminding me many truths.

    For someone with a traumatic background regarding family and loss knowing that someone you care about will be leaving can trigger the response to push them away.  This helps the child not to experience these feelings of loss or rejection that they may have felt prior.  It's a control response and one that is very common.  Not to say it isn't difficult to bare the brunt of it, but we must!  For these children to ever be able to work through these emotions those of us who love them have to be willing to take the backlash of their past.

    So as the game continued Andriy found ways to get upset at me.  Whether it was me beating him, or laughing along the way if Kostya managed to trap him in the game, he was continuously tacky.  So as we finished up and prepared to head to bed Andriy went into his room, grabbed his pillow and headed out.   I would spend this last night there in his City alone in his room.  This would be the night that I poured out my heart to God.

My view the last morning there. 

    The next morning I had already planned to wake early so that I could go to the Hotel to shower and check out.  Andriy would have his doctors appointment later this morning and I wanted to be there, but knew I wouldn't have time to check out afterward.   So after just falling asleep my alarm went off and I was gone before anyone was up.   The plan later that morning was to meet Andriy, his grandmother and Kostya at the hospital where the appointment was.   I of course had no idea where this hospital was, but from what Kostya explained it was not far from my Hotel.  So while checking out I asked the receptionist, which spoke pretty decent English.  She had explained that it was a few blocks down, so between her directions and what Kostya had explained I felt like I knew where to go.   I'd stop to get breakfast at a super cute little croissant/coffee shop.  Truth be told I only went in because I could actually read the word Croissant on the building.  It was indeed croissants, and very yummy ones.  Afterward I made my way to the Doctor's office. Or so I thought it was.

   

Lviv Crossaints 

After standing there, outside, for approximately 40 minutes I begin to realize that I was not at the right place. The trouble
was that I didn't have any WiFi to try and get in touch with Kostya.  Seeing as Andriy's appointment time had come and gone and I still hadn't seen any of them I had to figure out something else.  The Croissant shop!  It had Internet and wasn't too far, so I made my way back there and was able to call Kostya, who of course in true Kostya fashion was already trying to find me.  Once I explained to him where I was he was able to find me! Yay!   So I'd walk with him back to the Hospital.  Ya'll... it was NOT close to the Hotel, nor was it at all what had been explained to me.  I would have NEVER found it and even if I did then what?  Luckily Kostya was there and got me to the area where Andriy was.

The Hospital

   Now would come the silent treatment.  Remember how I told you he wouldn't leave the house with me.  Yeah, well now we were out of the house, not to his pleasure of course, and he was able to look right past me as if he didn't know who I was.  I had walked up to him once I got there, and received the cold shoulder as he walked off.  That was my cue to just leave him alone.  So I made my way to an area where you could sit - certainly not a waiting room, more like a wall with a bench attached along one side.  There I'd wait until he finished.

   Despite the X-Ray images that would lead one to think the arm was not healed, he was able to have the cast removed and instructed to not play any sports or do anything that could potentially allow him to fall for one year!  This being his second time to break the same arm in the same place, the first of which has left a noticeable lump along the area it was broken, likely from not healing properly, the stress of doing nothing for one year was critical.  We finished up there and decided at this point to split ways.  Grandma and Andriy had gone back home, Kostya and I had gone to exchange some American money I had into hryvnia.

   Remember back on day one how I spoke about the bathroom situations.  Here would be where I would be humbled by the fact that every toilet I had used up until this point was a gift.  After telling Kostya that we needed to find a place with a restroom we found a pub of sorts.  It was a pizza place,

The Woods

and in order to use the restroom you had to purchase something.  So as Kostya prepared to buy us something so I could use the restroom he asked what I wanted and in true fashion I responded "Surprise me".  He came back with a soda and a key.  As I thanked him for the surprise, he assured the me actual surprise would be behind that bathroom door. 

    Most of you know that I'm not a gal of colorful language.  I am pretty positive that my last actual curse word that was used out of true frustration and in proper context and not spelt out was approximately 15 years ago.  I have no use for them.  But when I oped that door... What in the actual HEJL may have crossed my mind and even left my lips, however laughter is all that filled the area.  I asked Kostya what I was even supposed to do?!?! 

   "It's like the woods" he would say, and you guys he couldn't be more accurate.  This "toilet" was a hole in the floor, with standing areas on each side of the hole where you were to place your feet and you guessed it, SQUAT!  I had to basically undress outside this area because I had 17 layers on, none of which I dared allow touch this "bathroom"... It was not, it was a hole!  So we laughed and laughed and Kostya stood there with all of my layers as I headed in.  I am still talking through the door having Kostya help me through this process!  My nose touches the door,  my legs are burning, because what I also haven't done in 15 years is squats!  Oh, and toilet paper, yeah that sandpaper I talked about that first day, that's what they had.  I felt violated walking out of that thing.  Knowing that Kostya had a visual understanding of what just transpired behind that door was almost enough to leave me in
there.  I had to come out though and wanted nothing more than to get out!  As you can imagine this "toilet" was likely not on the list of "to clean" and there was most certainly no cleaning check off list that the employee's sign and the fact that you had to BUY SOMETHING to even use this thing was criminal!  I made it though, and I can appreciate most any toilet now that stands off the ground and next time I am in the woods I'll feel safer and cleaner than I did that day, FO SHO!

My heart. 

    So we finished up the errands I needed to do and made our way back to Andriy's house for what would be the goodbyes.