Complacent

 
     To try to elaborate on something you really cannot explain or understand yourself is a task I have yet do effectively.   I'm so bad at it that I have erased over and over what I am trying to write next, like I seriously have been sitting here for 15 minutes and have gotten this far.

   Here is what I've found so far.  The people I have been able to relate to and I feel understand are those who have also been re-worked by God secondary to experiencing something beyond their normal every day routine. So far relating has happened through reading books by people I have never met and likely will not ever get to sit down with and say YES, YES, YES!!!   Lets just add here that the fact that I have read more books since going and returning to Ukraine is a testament to God that a work is being done in me!  Listen, I BARELY read when I was supposed to for College, so to read on my own without any grade depending on it is the work of God. 

   Lets also share some truth.  If you're the judging type you'll have a hay day with this...I have never read the Bible in it's entirety. Never.  That is terrible, I know.  I have been a believing Christian since I was 16.  Insert the Preacher voice here that says "Believing is not the same as living and it's hard to live out what you do not understand."  I know verses, I know stories and I ABSOLUTELY know the sacrifice Jesus Christ made in order to save me from my sin.  However I didn't know the context to those verses, I didn't know the reason for the stories, and while I knew the sacrifice that was made for me, I had yet to fully understand the sacrifice WE should make for Christ.  I had become complacent in knowing what I knew about God and the life I was living.

 Now before you start yelling at me about how we do not have to do anything or sacrifice anything to receive the Grace of Jesus Christ, let me yell back (with kindness and smiley faces) I KNOW!  Here is what God is showing me though.  Receiving this FREE (to us) gift of Grace paid for at the cross is not the end to the story, it is the beginning!  We've become complacent with this grace and wear it around and flaunt it and shout to the world that we don't have to do anything for it, and listen you are right.  But here is where we are wrong, or where God showed me how I was wrong.  We do not have to do anything FOR it.  However, you bet your life that we should be doing things BECAUSE OF IT!

"If we convince ourselves that we have reached a point of satisfaction in which we are comfortable with our faith and do not feel the need to move any further toward pleasing God and getting out of our comfort zone, we have lost the battle, and have been deceived by the Enemy." - Grayson Oliver

As hard as it is to admit, complacent was what I was prior to leaving.  It wasn't something I created on purpose, but Satan has a way of leading us away from the desires of God when we are not fully equipped with His Armor to protect us.  Thankfully while in Ukraine God exposed me of this by showing me a world beyond myself filled with people who will never experience God if those who HAVE experienced God are resting in complacency.

I did not want to return to that.

Receiving Grace is not the finish line, it's the firing of the Gun that startles our bodies into the forward motion of running the race.  However when we become complacent in our race before it is finished we deprive God of using us for His glory.

Death is our finish line, Eternity is our prize and complacency is the thief of God's great race He has set before us.

You know it's coming so here it is.

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us" Hebrews 12:1

Spoiler Alert: It has nothing to do with Cross Country or Track, unless of course you are running to glorify God and that my friends is a race worth running.







 

Coming Home

March 13th, 2018

     Something I've only told a few (until now) is that I did not want to come back.  I mean I kept it to myself for a while, and even from my Husband for a few weeks.  I wasn't sure how to explain it, how
people would respond or even what it meant.  I still don't.

    Now of course I was ready to see my Husband and my children, and yes I love my family and

friends, but if the opportunity was available I would have flown my husband and chlidren to me and never returned.  Ok, maybe not never, but certainly not then.

  At first thought I'm sure most of you are thinking "oh, yeah, I bet it was so hard leaving Andriy there" and while it was,  the crazy thing, it had NOTHING to do with Andriy, and still doesn't.  Now granted yes, If I happened to be in his country for an extended length of time I am sure that I would try to visit him.  Yet, me not wanting to return home was not because I wanted to stay with him.  While there what caught me off guard was how cared for he was, and the words "I cannot take him from her (grandma)" are words that I shared with a dear host/adoptive mom while I was there!  He was loved and so adored, and despite his teenage attitude the feelings are mutual toward his grandmother as well.  This sense of not wanting to come back home was not a motherly instinct to be with her child, it was far more and seemingly complicated to explain, hence me not telling many people and one I'll ease my way into.  Hopefully.

    I know how crazy it sounds, and I KNOW it doesnt' make sense, but for whatever reason returning home felt scarier than staying in a foreign country.  The person I left as was not the person that would be returning, yet I had to ride home the day I returned doing my best to be the wife, mother, friend and person I was when I left.

   One year in I'm doing a terrible job at being "here" because my heart was broken for the people there.  While my smile tells the story of joy my heart would tell a very different story.






 

 

The Goodbye's

  March 12, 2018

     We had arrived back at their house to gather our things and prepare to head back to Kiev.  My plane would leave the following morning (Tuesday) at 6am.  Once there at their house I was able give Andriy's grandmother a little piece of my heart by way of a note that Kostya translated for me.  It was one that thanked her for who she was, what she had been and planned to do.  It told her how much we appreciated her and whatever she needed we would do our best to provide.   It ended with

  "Thank you for taking care of him when I cannot"

   She read it with tears as I watched with the same. She knew we loved him, and boy did she love him as well.  She reminded me so much of my grandmother.  She built her life around caring for him.  She was always up before him with breakfast made.  Washing and hanging his clothes to dry.  Lunch and Dinner were always ready.  I even at one point got on to him for not helping her carry

The last day

some things out to the chickens and she pointed to his arm (which at this time still had the cast).  Give me a break! Ha! I said "He has two"! She just laughed.  So yeah, he's taken care of and do you remember how he wouldn't leave with me, ever.  I had finally got the truth out of him as to why.  He didn't want to leave his grandmother there alone.   Just as much as she loves him, he too loves her.

   This however would lead the way to a very needed conversation, Summer hosting.  Seeing as he didn't want to leave grandma for even a few hours, how in the world was he going to leave the Country for a few months!  We had talked briefly about summer hosting a couple of days earlier as I had already thought about this possibility and all he could tell me then was that he was not sure.  However, on my last day there we had to come up with a plan as I would need to let the organization we use, Project 143, know whether or not we would be hosting or not.  So with the help of Kostya he was able to talk with Grandma and get her thoughts and whether or not she was ok with him coming.  She of course was, and this eased many of Andriy's fears giving the go head to Summer hosting.

   So now we had to leave. Blah.  I bet I walked back to his room 7 times to just hug him!  He didn't come to the door to say his goodbyes, he stayed in his room.  So I hugged him over and over there in his room and made my way out.  As we walked out the front door to leave I had Kostya ask his grandmother if there was ANYTHING she needed before we left.  I'll never forget, and I'll never EVER be the same because of it.  She simply said,

     "I only want to have food for us, for our water to work and our house to be warm"

 Grandma had walked with us to the stop while Andriy stayed back and we hugged her once more there with tears and made our way onto bus number one.  We'd go from there to the area right out side my hotel and wait for the bus that would take us back to Kiev.   I'd listen to a play list that I had on repeat each and every day while there.   Something some of you may not know about me, but music is my therapy.  I guess the music played would depend on the therapy needed.  For me the therapy most often needed is that from God.   His grace, His plan, His faithfulness, His power, His sovereign ways, His presence.  I would need these reminders constantly throughout this trip, my way home and very single day since being back.

Bus lady number one

    We arrived in Kiev, rode the subway back toward Kostya's house and then waited again for another bus.  This particular bust stop took sardine to a whole new level.  It was more like a can of worms, or biscuit's that when you opened it the contents just exploded out.  Bus after bus would bring these people and then more people would pile in.  The laughter this would bring was greatly needed.  Not to mention the bus ride from Andriy's house to the first stop just so happened to have bus lady number one which was also quite comical as I tried to snap photos of her so I'd always remember her, and no it wasn't the sweet second lady.

    I'm so thankful God met me in those places bringing laughter despite the heartache.  Having Kostya as a travel guide and protector was a testament to God's faithful plan and protection.  I've often told people since being back, I had not laughed that much, nor cried that
 much in a very long time.  I

Last sardine bus ride

needed both.

    We eventually arrived back to Kostya's house close to 10 pm that Monday evening.  After visiting with his mother for a little while and getting my bags packed Kostya said "so do you want to take a nap or what"  I laughed and said a NAP?  He said, "we have to be up at 2" - being as it was pretty close to midnight at this point a nap is exactly what I took.  After about an hour and a half of the sleep you get when you know you have something very important to do, which means you hardly sleep at all because you wake up in a panic every 30 minutes certain that you missed it, I woke to his mother cooking us a wonderful meal.  It's 2am ya'll.  I know where Kostya

Maybe becuase it was the closest thing to Amrican
food we ate, but this was one of my favorites!

gets his heart from.  His sweet momma had not slept yet as she was up preparing this meal so that I would not be hungry before I left.

    We hugged while saying our goodbyes and Kostya and I hopped in the Uber to make our way to the Airport.  I got all checked in, a few pictures next to the 🛧💓 KBP, and hugged Kostya one last time. It was like departures in America with the children except I was the child and Kostya was the parent.  He stood there and watched till he couldn't see me any longer.  Then sent messages to make sure I was where I needed to be in order to board my plane.

   First stop, Germany.  I'd be here for a very small layover, and would then board a plane that would take me straight to

Kiev Airport 

Dallas.  I'd use the same techniques to get me from Germany to Dallas as I did from Chicago to Vienna.  Sleep, books, music, movies and food.  Eleven or so hours later I landed in Dallas.  What should have been feelings of relief and excitement for being home was instead feelings of wanting nothing more than to have not ever returned. Plot twist right?!

   That isn't to say that I was not thrilled to see my husband and children, because I was.  I mean, have you seen them?  It was just that I was not ready to go back to living the life I had become so accustomed to after leaving behind a population of people who only wanted,

  "food for us, for our water to work and our house to be warm."

 I'd return home to a place that expected the same me that left a week ago to return.  The only problem was that I wasn't the same and coming back different to a place that's the same is very, very difficult. 

Rejoice

March 18, 2018

   So Kostya had made it back to their house and we enjoyed dinner and an evening of Durak (the card came). Who would have thought that a simple card game would be the start to the hardest night thus far.   This particular night of playing the game would be one met with attitude and disrespect from Andriy to me.  I can look back now and see that me leaving the next day was likely a trigger for his behavior.  Since this trip I have learned a  bit more about children of trauma and hard places and have learned along the way by experiencing it first hand, talking with people who have walked the path much harder than I and with far more severe situations.  It's tough.  So with Andiry behaving this way on my last night there was difficult.

God speaking to me, through me and
reminding me many truths.

    For someone with a traumatic background regarding family and loss knowing that someone you care about will be leaving can trigger the response to push them away.  This helps the child not to experience these feelings of loss or rejection that they may have felt prior.  It's a control response and one that is very common.  Not to say it isn't difficult to bare the brunt of it, but we must!  For these children to ever be able to work through these emotions those of us who love them have to be willing to take the backlash of their past.

    So as the game continued Andriy found ways to get upset at me.  Whether it was me beating him, or laughing along the way if Kostya managed to trap him in the game, he was continuously tacky.  So as we finished up and prepared to head to bed Andriy went into his room, grabbed his pillow and headed out.   I would spend this last night there in his City alone in his room.  This would be the night that I poured out my heart to God.

My view the last morning there. 

    The next morning I had already planned to wake early so that I could go to the Hotel to shower and check out.  Andriy would have his doctors appointment later this morning and I wanted to be there, but knew I wouldn't have time to check out afterward.   So after just falling asleep my alarm went off and I was gone before anyone was up.   The plan later that morning was to meet Andriy, his grandmother and Kostya at the hospital where the appointment was.   I of course had no idea where this hospital was, but from what Kostya explained it was not far from my Hotel.  So while checking out I asked the receptionist, which spoke pretty decent English.  She had explained that it was a few blocks down, so between her directions and what Kostya had explained I felt like I knew where to go.   I'd stop to get breakfast at a super cute little croissant/coffee shop.  Truth be told I only went in because I could actually read the word Croissant on the building.  It was indeed croissants, and very yummy ones.  Afterward I made my way to the Doctor's office. Or so I thought it was.

   

Lviv Crossaints 

After standing there, outside, for approximately 40 minutes I begin to realize that I was not at the right place. The trouble
was that I didn't have any WiFi to try and get in touch with Kostya.  Seeing as Andriy's appointment time had come and gone and I still hadn't seen any of them I had to figure out something else.  The Croissant shop!  It had Internet and wasn't too far, so I made my way back there and was able to call Kostya, who of course in true Kostya fashion was already trying to find me.  Once I explained to him where I was he was able to find me! Yay!   So I'd walk with him back to the Hospital.  Ya'll... it was NOT close to the Hotel, nor was it at all what had been explained to me.  I would have NEVER found it and even if I did then what?  Luckily Kostya was there and got me to the area where Andriy was.

The Hospital

   Now would come the silent treatment.  Remember how I told you he wouldn't leave the house with me.  Yeah, well now we were out of the house, not to his pleasure of course, and he was able to look right past me as if he didn't know who I was.  I had walked up to him once I got there, and received the cold shoulder as he walked off.  That was my cue to just leave him alone.  So I made my way to an area where you could sit - certainly not a waiting room, more like a wall with a bench attached along one side.  There I'd wait until he finished.

   Despite the X-Ray images that would lead one to think the arm was not healed, he was able to have the cast removed and instructed to not play any sports or do anything that could potentially allow him to fall for one year!  This being his second time to break the same arm in the same place, the first of which has left a noticeable lump along the area it was broken, likely from not healing properly, the stress of doing nothing for one year was critical.  We finished up there and decided at this point to split ways.  Grandma and Andriy had gone back home, Kostya and I had gone to exchange some American money I had into hryvnia.

   Remember back on day one how I spoke about the bathroom situations.  Here would be where I would be humbled by the fact that every toilet I had used up until this point was a gift.  After telling Kostya that we needed to find a place with a restroom we found a pub of sorts.  It was a pizza place,

The Woods

and in order to use the restroom you had to purchase something.  So as Kostya prepared to buy us something so I could use the restroom he asked what I wanted and in true fashion I responded "Surprise me".  He came back with a soda and a key.  As I thanked him for the surprise, he assured the me actual surprise would be behind that bathroom door. 

    Most of you know that I'm not a gal of colorful language.  I am pretty positive that my last actual curse word that was used out of true frustration and in proper context and not spelt out was approximately 15 years ago.  I have no use for them.  But when I oped that door... What in the actual HEJL may have crossed my mind and even left my lips, however laughter is all that filled the area.  I asked Kostya what I was even supposed to do?!?! 

   "It's like the woods" he would say, and you guys he couldn't be more accurate.  This "toilet" was a hole in the floor, with standing areas on each side of the hole where you were to place your feet and you guessed it, SQUAT!  I had to basically undress outside this area because I had 17 layers on, none of which I dared allow touch this "bathroom"... It was not, it was a hole!  So we laughed and laughed and Kostya stood there with all of my layers as I headed in.  I am still talking through the door having Kostya help me through this process!  My nose touches the door,  my legs are burning, because what I also haven't done in 15 years is squats!  Oh, and toilet paper, yeah that sandpaper I talked about that first day, that's what they had.  I felt violated walking out of that thing.  Knowing that Kostya had a visual understanding of what just transpired behind that door was almost enough to leave me in
there.  I had to come out though and wanted nothing more than to get out!  As you can imagine this "toilet" was likely not on the list of "to clean" and there was most certainly no cleaning check off list that the employee's sign and the fact that you had to BUY SOMETHING to even use this thing was criminal!  I made it though, and I can appreciate most any toilet now that stands off the ground and next time I am in the woods I'll feel safer and cleaner than I did that day, FO SHO!

My heart. 

    So we finished up the errands I needed to do and made our way back to Andriy's house for what would be the goodbyes.

 

The Next 2 Days

March 10th, 2018

    The next two days would be considered great to the hermit, boring to the adventurer and proved to be a little of both for me.  While I spent most all of my days cooped up in Andriy's house this would be very good for the soul.  We would wake in the morning, Grandma would already have "breakfast" ready, which sometimes resembled breakfast and often times was a full dinner type feast.  One of my favorite quotes from Andriy was one of the mornings we had just gotten up and he had gone in the

Andriy's School/Dorm Area at the back

kitchen then came back and said "Mom, you want mashed potatoes".  Listen, that's music to this carb lovers ears, but the fact that it was barely 8am was hilarious. 

   

Front of the School

 So we'd spend our days eating mashed potoatoes, napping - my favorite part of the day, eating some more and typically in the early evenings I would ride back to the hotel to shower and call back home.  One particular evening I played the tourist part and walked up and down the street near the hotel.  After the fiasco a couple of nights before trying to get back to Andriy's house I played it safe and stayed within walking distance of the Hotel.  Seeing as I could not read any of the signs outside the store I based my decision whether or not to go in on what I could see in the Window.  I only went into two stores, one of which I did not purchase anything, the other I bought two sweaters.  These sweaters would cost $264ish Ukrainan dollars each but equaled about $10 American dollars each.  My favorite, and one that I spotted almost immideately said "It always seems impossible until it is done" on the front which of course was perfect!  After these brief stops I made my way back to the hotel and into the little store that I had been using and bought the usual junk for Andiry.

   

Tourist

Looking down the street of my Hotel

These trips back and forth to his house would be far less interesting as I no longer had to place my trust in the attendant.  I now was very aware of where to get on and off.  Trauma will do that to you.  I'm only kidding.  Honestly the ordeal with missing my stop was not scary at all to me.   I know this sounds nuts to some but the thought of walking the streets alone at night ANYWHERE in the states would be much more terrifying to me than what I felt being lost there.  Not going to lie though I thought IF someone does decide to take me no one will ever find me, which is another reason I called Matt so at least I could tell him what happened. HA.

These were used to cross intersections.
 They ran under the road.

The store I went in each day.

 Anhyhow, these two days went by way to quickly, and knowing Kostya would be back the following day to spend the night and then get up Monday which was our final day in Andriy's city was heartbreaking.   None the less, I made my way back to his house and had a great dinner with he and grandma.   Later that night Andriy and I would attempt to make Spaghetti as it's his favorite here in America.  Ya'll, it was NOT good. Ha.  It was fun helping him make it in their kitchen with Grandma looking on.  For a moment I felt like the mom.  Grandma would head to bed and Andriy and I were able to just sit at the table and eat what we had made and talk about how it did not taste like mine back home.  Night would come, we'd talk till he fell asleep, and the following morning (Sunday) he'd wake up asking when Kostya would be there.

Cooking Spaghetti

   I'd spend this Sunday just staying there at their house and chose not to go to the Hotel.  With Kostya coming and my time drawing to a close I didn't want to leave.  So we just hung out,  and he asked about 34 times when Kostya would be there.   For those of you who think "wow, you take it like a champ"  Here is the part where I tell you that I do not!  Up until this point I had never really pointed out to Andriy how it hurts me when he treats me differenly when Kostya was around, but after having to listen over and over how much he couldn't wait till Kostya got there, this momma's heart was both hurt and frusterated and I totally played the "I came all this way card".  Shame, I know.  Pain will lead you to some pretty shameful places, but you know I like to keep it honest.  Everthing about all we have done and are doing regarding Andriy is not typical to our lives so yeah, I mess up along the way.  Quite frequently actually.  While my approach could have been better, the converstaion was needed.  We always encourage him to be honest with us and I had not been honest about this, so despite my feelings of guilt for my approach the converastion went well.  That's not to say it made things rainbows and sunshines from there on out, and actually the hardest night of all would come that night as he chose to spend that last night I was there sleeping in the extra room where Kostya was.  It. Was. Rough. but it is where God met me like I hadn't felt met before, and I can be thankful for that!
 
    Let me take a moment though to make sure you understand how much we value and appreciate Kostya and what he does for us and Andriy.  This heartbreak that I encounter is no fault of Kostya's.  It is completely typical of a child of Andriy's past and one that I was unfamiliar with until beginning all of this.  Knowing that there is someone over there that cares for Andriy as much as we do is such a relief and Kostya has shown this love to Andriy and our family over and over.  He has been there when Andriy broke his arm, he was there days before Grandfather died.  He has gone and picked him up and taken him home with each hosting sincde they met.  He's gone to just visit with Andriy when he has the chance which is something we can never repay him for.  My hope is that I do not ever paint a picture that makes Kostya seem anything other than great, which he is!
   

Lost in Ukraine

March 9th, 2018

    So I hadn't explained it thus far, but Andriy refused to go ANYWHERE with me.  He wouldn't leave the house.   Remember how I expected him to be waiting at the bus stop when we arrived.  Yeah, well I also expected him to want to go and be wherever I was.  God can sure put you in your place sometimes right?  All of these expectations of mine never truly took into account who Andriy actually is and what he had just gone through.  I just waltzed my happy self into his world and expected him to respond how I wanted.  There are a lot of "I's" going on here and it would take me a day or two to look beyond my selfish expectations and into the heart of the matter.

    So, I say all that to say that as Kostya and I had prepared to leave that afternoon my mutlitple attempts at trying to get Andriy to go with us were unsucessful.  So Kostya and I made a plan to make sure that I got back to Andriy's house that evening.  I took pictures of land marks, made note of the approximate time it took from his house to the hotel and Kostya had sent a message to me with the street name, in Russian of course, so that I could show the bus attendant.

   Once we made our way to the Hotel, Kostya upped his parental game! He was such a parent! He instructed that I call him before he left - because I had WiFi there at the hotel.  He would then call grandma to let her know I was on my way so that they could be waiting for me at the bus stop.

   After much preparing and a thourough walk through Kostya finally agreed to leave.  He was so reluctant and nervous and I was basically pushing him out of the door!  He was so protective and did an incredible job making sure I got places safely, so it really was so hard for him to leave.  Tears were even shed.  He's that good ya'll!

   So after a MUCH needed shower I felt like a new woman ready to conquer these next few days.  I should share that both Kostya's house and Andiry's had ways to bathe.  I can't quite remember if

This is the image they would have put on milk cartons

Kostya's had a shower attachment or just a tub.  Kostya's apartment did not have hot water because the higher up's are the ones who decide when to have it on or off or to fix it if it is broken.  This was nothing new to them and I could have boiled water to make a warm tub, but was content just waiting until we made it to the hotel.  At Andriy's house they had the one bathroom with a tub in it that did have hot water and I could have used, but showering alone at the hotel was much more appealing.

   After a few minutes there to myself, using the WiFi to connect to my family back home I left to go to the store to grab some of Andriy's favorites.  Sprite, chocolate, chips and water.  Seeing as I could not read the labels on anything I stuck to what I could recognize.

   Now would come time implement Kostya's detailed game plan to get me back to Andriy's house.  After I finished at the store I went back into the lobby of the hotel so that I could call Kostya to tell him I was leaving.  Think over protective parent.  He nailed it and I was SO THANKFUL!  He then called Grandma and let her know I was on my way and off I went to the bus stop.

   

Bus number 1

First order of business was make sure and get on bus #1.  There are multiple buses that come in and out of that little stop, all of which take you to various parts of the city, so making sure I got on bus number 1 was KEY!  Nailed it!

   Next was to show the bus attendant the street that Kostya gave to me so that she would know that I needed to be let off at that one, this of course after I paid!   When I showed her the image (it was on my phone) she looked blankly at me as if to say "and"?  I pointed at it and said "I need to go here" she continuted to stare at me very annoyed, but I did manage to get a small nod out of her so I was confident she'd get me where I needed.

   Here would be a good place to indicate that it was now dark and snowing, so recognizing any of the original land marks was nearly impossible, especially crammed in the sardine bus.  However I paid as close attention to everything I could along the way.  I could tell we were getting close if not already there, but she had not given a look my way since I first got on the bus.  So continued to sit and trust.  Then came and went a very familiar store.  As we passed it I thought, I am pretty sure that was the store at Andry's stop.  I got up, showed her the image and she nodded and pointed ahead as if to say "the next one".

    The next stop came, she spoke her language with her hands pointing to the door. I not understanding a word of it, got up and got off the bus.  It made a left turn and there I stood.  I looked around and realized that I was not anywhere that looked familiar.  There were not any lights, no store, one small bench along the road that would be the bust stop, a large building on the corner, and houses to my right.  I was officially lost in Ukraine.

Fan girling over all the SNOW

    With the tail lights of the bus heading down one road I knew which way to not begin walking.  I started walking in one direction for what felt like a long while, but was getting me no where.  So I then turned around and walked the opposite way still to no avail.  As I walked aimslesly back and forth I was racking my brain on what I could do.  My options.

 1.  Walk through the metal barricades that protect the houses and go up to someones door.  But then what?  I didn't speak their language.  The only word I knew that would come close to explaining my predicament would be "Kashmar" - translated to Nighmare.
2.  Keep walking.  I knew that I had just seen the place I should have gotten off at I just could not for the life of me remember which direction we had come from.
3.   Go back to the stop I was let off at, wait for bus number 1 to make it's way back and take it back to the Hotel and start over, or for the love of Jesus at this point I would just stay there and try again in the DAY LIGHT!

   Here came headlights... I moved out of the road, which is where I was walking becaues it was the only place that didn't have 2-3 foot snow to walk through.  As it passed I realized it was bus number one, my ticket back to the hotel.  So this set option number 3 into the forefront of my mind.

  Then God broke through.  I had remembered that when I landed a few days prior my phone had sent me this message about buying a plan that would allow me make international calls.  YES!  You see my main concern was that Kostya had called grandma when I left the hotel so she would know when to be at the stop. Now about 45 mintues later, 25 mintues or so after I should have been there I wasn't and I wanted to somehow let her know that I was ok and I would either get there or try again in the morning.  So my plan was to call Matt, have him call Kostya so that Kostya could call grandma and let her know.

   I sign on, agree to all the terms and costs - which at this point who even cares how much it costs right?

   I call Matt.  He doesn't answer.  Of course he doesn't.  He always has his phone, but nope... Not this time!  Gramted it was somewhere close to midnight - 1 am Central time, so he gets a pass.  So then I think to call my mom, but I know my mom and I know she would have freaked out if I told her I was lost.  So I called Matt again, and praise God he answered.  He was SO confused of course as I had been calling him through google hangouts, but this time it would be just a regular phone call coming from me who was across the world.  I explained to him what had happened and that I needed him to call Kostya.  I told him my plan to get back on bus number 1 and ride it back to the Hotel to try again.  As I was on the phone with him and continuing to walk here came the bus again.   The only trouble was I was not at the stop and was instead in the middle of the road.  I began to wave like you see in the movies.  Crazy lady standing in the road waving down a bus that is coming right at her.  I move of course before it got hairy, and the bus stopped there along the road.  I climbed on and all glory to God it was a NEW BUS LADY!  Apparently there are more than one bus number 1's with differing attendants.

   I show her the street and she SMILED and nodded as if to say "yes, it's just right up here".  I began to get out my money to pay her and she then shook her head to tell me not to worry about it.  The bus began and would come to another stop.  This time the lady looked toward me, smiled and pointed her hand toward the door.   "Spasiba" - Thank you, I would tell her as I climbed off.

   This time as the bus pulled away I saw the store and outside that store stood Andriy and his Grandmother.  Ah.  Praise God!  Then Andriy, "Mom, why did you not get off the bus, I saw you on there and then it just kept going"  I said "WHY DID YOU NOT CHASE THE BUS"!

   We laughed our way back to his house, Kostya was revived from this heart attack and I made it safely back into their warm and cozy home with the sprite, chocolate, chips and water.  Necessities that would have kept me alive for at least a couple of days while lost. 😉

 

"I was there"

March 8th, 2018

     After the hug that broke down walls the rest of the evening went wonderfully.  His grandmother prepared dinner for us all, which would be another round of experimenting that went well.  It was sketchy at times these four days I'd spend here, but I was proud of myself for trying new things!

    That evening we played cards, just Kostya, Andriy and myself.  They would teach me a game called "Durak", translated to "Fool" in English.  It's primarily played with only 36 cards, but can be played with the entire deck.  I had a hard time ever beating those two, but had so much fun and many laughs! After approximately 19 rounds of this game we finally prepared for bed which was a welcomed time of the day for me.

 

  I had slept in the extra twin bed in Andriy's room and Kostya slept in the extra room.  Any moment that I could spend with him I was taking advantage of.  As I mentioned in a previous post he lets down all walls with me when no one else is there.  It's where I have learned everything I know about him.  It' where he tells me his fears, his hopes and his feelings.  So laying across the room from him talking until he fell asleep was the perfect place to be.  Not to mention being able to wake up and look over and see him sleeping so peacefully was wonderful, and would be so needed as we began this day.
 
 
After everyone waking and having breakfast, which was generally a leftover feast from dinner the day before, grandma asked that we walk to the cemetery with her.

   As we walked I found myself behind the others, most the whole way.  The only ones turning to

check on me would be grandmother who was seriously afraid I was going to freeze to death or Kostya.  If Andriy turned around it would be to wait on Kostya and begin walking with him.  Andriy was now back to the place where I hardly existed.  This place is very hard to be, especially while being over there.  I know this about him and I know the body language and eye contact, or lack there of that comes with it.  I also know that any time Kostya is near it can be heightened.  This doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

    So after walking quite a while down these alley ways and some even untouched paths we made our way to the Cemetery.  I couldn't help but wonder how in the world they even got people back there.   It was not a location that seemed fully accessible by car which to this Texas girl could totally be because of all of the snow.  In Texas we shut the state down when it snows.  In Ukraine they just
walk in it.

    As we walk up to the area that his grandfather was laid to rest, his grandmother, with her bare hands begins to wipe off the snow that has accumulated on his grave.  I take off my scarf and hand it to her and begin to help.  The flowers were covered and the standing spray's that had been put out were laid over.  We each helped to clear the area of snow and put the items back where they were to go.  I couldn't help but notice the graves next to his.  It was Andiry's mothers.  An engraved, detailed image of her face, and small portions of her upper body with her name, and the dates of birth and death.  She and Matt share the same year of birth.

   This brief moment was painful to understand.  I stood there at the foot of her grave and truly for the first time grasped this realization that I was only there because she was not.  His biological mother, the one who he was given to by birth was gone and instead, me, this woman from Texas stood there wishing so much that I wasn't.  Not because I did not want to be there, there is no other place I would have rather been.  But I wished so much I didn't have to be the one standing there, that instead it could be her.  That he didn't have to stand there at the foot of his grandfathers grave and also look on to his mothers, and his biological grandmothers, their faces looking back.  These women and this man who have loved him, and who he loved were all buried below us and those who stood to comfort him were myself, a stranger only 3 years ago from Texas, Kostya a stranger less than 1 year ago from Ukraine, and his grandmother that came into his life about 7 years ago.  All of these people, none of which he was born to were all he had.  As much as the tears flowed because of this, the beauty, if you can even call it that, but I shall is that I was there.

  I was there to hold him, if only for a moment before he walked away.

  I was there to see the family that kept him safe and loved.

  I was there to hug his grandmother there as she wept at the foot of her husbands grave.

  I was there so that God could break me for what breaks Him, the most noted and needed of all.

As we walked back to their home the tears flowed. Gosh, they flowed.  The way home was the same as the way there.  The three of them led and I followed.  When we arrived back to his house I told them I would be back.   We had passed a Church that was just a little bit up from Andriy's house that was a beautiful building.  Seeing as the tears wouldn't stop I was not ready to go in with them just yet. so I made my way back to the Church.  I'd like to say there was a revelation of sorts while being there but there wasn't.  I just cried, literally, cried out to God.   After a good cry to God I headed back to their house.  We had a late lunch, and Kostya prepared to head back to Kiev.  The plan was for him to leave that day, I would stay and he would come back 3 days later so that he could get me back to Kiev.  

 

 Kostya and I left to head back to the bus stop, which my hotel was located at.  I had not showered in 5 days, gross I know!  Dry shampoo came in clutch and the fact that it was freezing and I never sweat helped tremendously!  My plan was to just go and shower, make a quick trip to the store and then head back to Andriy's house that night which would prove to be quite the adventure.  One that I like to call "Lost in Ukraine"

You'll want to stay tuned... 😉

The Kitchen

March 8th, 2018

     Let me tell you that expectation of what could be can never compare to the beauty God has prepared for the will be.  Here's what I expected.  I expected Andriy to be at the bus stop waiting for me when we were dropped off.  He wasn't.  Then I expected him to be waiting outside his door when we arrived.  He wasn't.  I then expected that he would be grinning ear to ear and wrap those arms around me so tight the moment he saw me.  He didn't, and all that I had expected left me feeling just as distant from him in this moment as the ocean that had separated us only 2 days prior.

     His grandmother opened the door and Andriy came walking behind her from his room as if we were a couple of guests he see's daily.  I was behind Kostya a bit, and Kostya first hugged grandma as she began to cry.  Remember, we are here because just 8 days prior her husband, Andriy's grandfather had suddenly passed away.  Kostya then introduced me and I hugged that sweet soul and held on for dear life.  I do not often wish for the language barrier to be dismissed, and it's mostly likely due to the fact that we've never had a language barrier with Andriy.  He, unlike most of these kids, came speaking incredible English.  Yet here, in this country with this newly widowed woman I wanted nothing more to assure her of our love and prayers as well as how sorry I was.

     Andriy then gave Kostya a hug, and then it was my turn.  My expectations at this point were basically that he would even notice me, so YAY for him seeing I was there!  He half hugged me, said nothing, like he often does in the presence of people and we went in.  They had what would be considered a "mud room" just inside the first door of their house, and then it led to the door that would take you into his home.  It is still, to this day, so difficult to wrap my brain around ME being IN his home.

    Kostya and Grandma began talking and Andriy had shown me where his room was.   A small room with two twin beds across from each other, a small desk with a TV on it, a China cabinet type thing and an armoire (which held the 13 suitcases we've sent- ha).  We then all made our way to the living area.  You know me and my love of pictures.  The first picture I spot in their living room was of Matt's basketball team from a couple of years prior.  Then a few of Andriy that we had sent back with him that I had thought his grandparents would like to have of him.

    While in here I gave his grandmother a gift I had brought for her.  This gift was very difficult to
decide upon.  I wanted to give her the world for all she had done for Andriy, and had recently gone through, but the world wouldn't fit in my suitcase, or at least my idea of the world wouldn't. So instead God had reminded me of a piece of her world, one that she had recently lost.



We had a picture from Andriy's first tablet on our computer that was of his grandmother and grandfather sitting together on the couch with one of their dogs.  So I took this image into Photoshop and tried to enhance it as best I could as it was terrible quality!  I was able to restore it to recognizable shape and had two 5x7's printed and framed to give to her.  I gave them to her and she quickly began to thank me and speak about his grandfather and that particular picture I had.  She placed one on the small table in their living room and the other she had taken to her bedroom.  God knew what he was doing with this thought He game me because she did not have any pictures of them, aside from a wedding picture, on display in their house.

   She then began to rummage through their cabinet and pull out old pictures.  She found many of Andriy when he was a small child, the youngest being about 2 which was a picture of Andriy sitting on the lap of his mother.  I'll share more about this later in another post of how God worked a beautiful moment and reminder, but to see that image was beautiful and heart breaking.  So much emotion.  She also showed one of he and his grandfather when he was about 3 or 4.  This too was emotional as we have heard

many stories of his grandfather and none of which I share as it's not my story to tell, but to see this man and Andriy in his lap was wonderful.  She then took out the photo albums from his previous hostings which was so fun to look through as he was about 8-10 during those times as we first met him when he was 10.

    At this point grandma and Kostya had gone into the kitchen to talk with each other and the first of
two MUCH needed but never expected moments happened.  As I sat in the chair in their living room, Andriy had come over and sat on my lap, like that of the image I had seen of he and his mother, only 9 years difference.  My heart.  One thing about Andriy and how/when he shows affection is that he only shows it most often when it is just he and I, especially in unfamiliar situations, which me being there was highly unfamiliar.   Almost NEVER is it when other people are around, unless it is our very immediate family.  Despite knowing this about him I still had those movie quality expectations earlier in the day of what it would be like to see him in his country.  But God had better.

   After Kostya and grandmother had come back into the living room and we had visited for a while, Andriy sitting across the room of course now, I had gotten up to get a drink from the Kitchen.  While in there Andriy walked in.  Earlier in the day I had asked a couple of times if I could give him a hug to which he had shook his head with a hard to explain expression, but just know that I knew not to go near him.  However when he walked in and I said "hug"?  He walked straight into my arms, his wrapped so tight around me and said "I love you mom".  It was as if God was looking on us and

asking me "Did you expect this"?

   That brief moment in the kitchen, that hug that I had been hoping for and expecting to come much sooner in the day came right in the beauty of their kitchen.  It came moments after I held an image of him and his mother in my hand and questioned many things.  A picture that I know he knew I saw because he too looked through the pictures like we did.  It came just after he had come to sit with me in the chair, just like that of he and his mother.

  It came right when God intended.

 It came right when I was feeling the overwhelming feeling of maybe he is uncomfortable with me being his "mom" and being here.  This place he once was with his mom.  Maybe it's too much.

 Him running down the street to meet us at the bus station would have been a wonderful picture, and one I would have loved to be able to keep in my memory bank.  However, what I did not realize was while creating my expectation of what could be God had already prepared the beauty of what was to be.  This 12 year old boy wrapped around me and the words "I love you mom" leaving his heart.   Words that had he had not been able to speak in over 8 years in that kitchen was a beauty that no bus stop could have ever lived up to!

  A reminder that instead of expecting what could be we should instead wait for God to show us how beautiful His plan already is.



 

 

The Blue Wall

March 7th, 2018

    I love surprises! Ok,I love to be the one doing the surprising, being on the receiving end of surprises isn't something I'm real familiar with, but the few times I have been it generally results in tears.  Good tears of course.   So when I had planned to surprise Andriy, I did not want that to be the case for his grandmother.  I mean, could you imagine.  They both are expecting Kostya to be at their front door and instead it's me.  Ummm, no thank you!  Kostya even suggested he drop me off at the last bus stop that gets you to their house so I could just be the one to show up and then he head back to Kiev.  Again, no thank you!   So when I asked if he had told grandma, mind you I am already IN Ukraine and we are planning to go there the very next day.  He said he hadn't, but he planned to.  Can you imagine my response. Ha!  Planned to when?? It's evening the night before we are hopping on a bus and he "Planned to".  With laughter between the two of us I said "Kostya!  You have to do it now!"  So he made the call, hung up and said "It's fine".  Bless America!  I have no idea what I would have done had the answer not have been "It's fine" but I am thankful it was and that part was over.

Outside the Grocery Store 

 
   To prevent a multitude of I said, then He said conversation type dialog I'll share here that we did in fact tell Andriy I was coming.  That evening Kostya had mentioned that he felt we should tell him so that he wouldn't be mad at Kostya for keeping it a secret.  So while at the store Andriy had called Kostya and I answered Kostya's phone.  He couldn't quite figure it out at first, but eventually realized that I was actually in Ukraine.  Come to find out though grandma had actually told him I was there.  So he knew whether we had followed through the surprise or not.

Dinner - For real this time

    We finish up at the grocery store, which was another SO FUN experience.  I couldn't read any of the labels, you weight and put a bar code on your own fruit, and they had snickers!  I had exchanged American money for Ukrainian so I was able to pay like a big kid, with minimal help.  We made the walk back to his apartment - the store was walking distance.  Not necessarily walking distance to the average American, but to the Ukrainian it wasn't far, and to this new girl I did not care where we had to walk because there was snow and lots of it!

   We get back home and Kostya's mother then prepares another full meal.  This one very familiar and oh so good!



March 8th, 2018

Coming into the City

Waiting for the bust that goes to his city.

     My very first Uber ride, EVER.  Kostya had made the arrangements the night before so it was waiting for us that morning!  We Ubere'd (is that what they call it) to the Subway station.  Let the fun begin. I'm telling you, I seriously could not contain my face entire way through those things!  Things were funny and no one else thought so which made it even more funny.  This particular time we rode the
subway for about 20 minutes straight, to the last stop.  From there we boarded a passenger van that would be what took us into Andriy's city.  This was about a 2 hour, very bumpy ride.  The only stop was to let a man get off and use the restroom - in the middle of no where - and then off we went again.  I am no longer surprised by anything by this point in the trip, so whatever!  There was not much along the way, primarily fields and fields covered in snow, which for this Texas girl was magical.

Hotel was TOP notch... $100 for 4 Nights Total!

Off the Balcony of the Hotel - Downtown Apartments

   We arrived in the city at my Hotel which Kostya had suggested I get as it was right at the bus stop in the center of town.





Hotel Ukraine, located on the square right on the corner.  I had booked this Hotel as a backup in case grandma was not thrilled with me being there, I would have somewhere to stay.  This would not be the case as you'll learn later, but I did go and check in, leave some things at the room and then began the next small trip to get to his home.  This would require another sardine bus that would take us to a bust stop very near his home.  Cue the laughter as I again, could not help it.  People were NOT amused by me, but I was so curious about them.  Poor Kostya!  He was such a trooper and laughed and explained things every step of the way!  After about 15-20 minutes on this bus we arrived at his stop.

Looking back toward the bust stop on our way to Andriy's house.

 Here begins the heart checks and glimpses into Andriy's life.  We had passed the orphanage (school) along the way and while I didn't get a very good look the first time I would pass by it every day after and just take note of what it was Andriy has to do each and every day.  As we walked from his bus stop to his house I thought, "He does this every day, by himself, and has been for 7 years."  It's not that it's that far, but it is certainly not at the end of his street where someone sits and watches making sure he made it.   They have more of what would be considered villages.  The "streets" are equivalent to our alley's and houses are scattered all around.  While walking to his house we passed by what I would assume was a mother with her two small children and sleds.  SLED'S ya'll!  So cute!  I'm still just laughing and amazed at the snow and just the fact that I am walking to my child's house! We make a few turns, and I spot it, the Blue Wall.  Andriy had shown us his home on Google maps one of the first times he was with us. An image that show'd us his house that just happened to have him and grandpa out front.  So I had known somewhat what it looked like, and there it was. It was such an overwhelming feeling standing outside his house.  I new God would get me there, but I never knew it would be under these circumstances, nor did I know just how hard the next few days would be.

 

"Is that George Bush"

 

       March 7th, 2018... still.    Before flying over I had told Kostya some of the fears the people here had as I prepared to go.  The usual, fear of being murdered and never seeing me again kind of stuff.  Kostya re-assured me that murder was not likely however his main concern was the quality of the transportation in Ukraine, and that I would not like it.   Kostya having now been to America twice by this point had seen how our transportation and how we get around.  Primarily with our own vehicles and on nicely paved roads, well depending on where you live or who you ask.  The point here is that we are VERY blessed by even our construction ridden, pot hole having I-35 traffic jam livin' roads and transportation.  Even our public transportation is top notch most places.  So his fear for me was that I would be appalled by the condition of the transportation there in Ukraine.  I assured him that I did not care a thing about what the transportation looked like as long as no one would steal me.

 

Sardine Bus

   Ukraine is a walking country, as in most do not own cars.  People use public transportation, trains, ubers or walk to get to and from their locations. Trains is a big one when traveling long distances, but within cities it's mostly small buses or walking.  Our first method of transportation was the equivalent of a charter bus.  We would ride this bus to the train station/subway station.  Ya'll, this was my first time ever on a subway (that I can remember enough to talk about) and it was greatness.  I almost face planted approximately 4 times, one of which Kostya literally caught me out of the air by grabbing my backpack to save me from falling face first as the subway started going and I was not holding on.  Rule 1.  Get on and HOLD ON!  Rule 2.  No eye contact with anyone.  Rule 3.  You do not gaze around to find your seat.  If you spot an open seat, even it it is next to the Santa clause who possibly has not showered in 7 days you TAKE IT and you take it fast without any hesitation, and again HOLD ON.  I laughed SO HARD the entire ride!  I bummed into so many people because of my lack of rule number one mentioned above.  I "eezvaneet-ed" (excuse me in Russian) my entire way through the subway transit with laughter and "your face" on proud display!  I loved it but I am certain people around me did not.

     So after the subway we then made our way to another bus stop that would take us to Kostya's apartment.  Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce you to the "Sardine Bus".  While this particular bus we were on was not as packed as some and actually got it's name later on in the trip, it was in fact a Sardine Bus.  These buses make stops every few hundred yards and either let off or let on.  It is a very quick process and all of the above instructions for the subway applied here.  Except here you were travelling on roads - Think underfunded, never tended to pot hole breeding ground!  Now you have a visual of these roads.  This bus would whip into a stop, people would get off and people would

Just outside Kostya's apartment building

get on in about a 9 second time frame and then it would begin again.  You were to pay the attendant, not the driver, who rode on this bus at all times (shift work obviously) and if you did not she knew.  Whether there were 3 people on that bus or 33 people - ya'll I wasn't kidding about Sardines, she would stare you down until you passed your hryvnia (grivna - $) to her.  Again, laughter, lot's of touching/bumping, but NO eye contact.  It was SO MUCH FUN, for me at least. We eventually came to a stop that was ours and began the walk to his Apartment.

    Through a large metal door we went up a few steps and then stood outside an Elevator, or at least that is what Kostya called it.   Guys, it was a death trap!  If I feared anything ever this entire trip it was dying in that thing!  Kostya re-assured me that it was fine, although he also cared to share that just a

Figured I better capture my last breath.

week prior it had not been working "properly".  NOPE!   I'm serious, it was not cool.  We got on that thing, all up in each others personal space because it was literally a 3x3 foot box, mind you I have my luggage during all of this subway hoping, sardine bus riding, and now the box of terror with little room to breath, and breathe if you dare as it might be the last one you take!  There was no little nice light up indicator that told you which floor your were passing or on, and a dim light overhead that barely allowed you to see.  This was Faith in action and let me just tell you that when we arrived on that 9th floor I thanked my God for His protection!

   So into the apartment we go.  I truly did not know what was to come.  After the sardine bus, the big metal door, the box of terror and the smell of the walkway there was no telling what was behind that door.  I should probably share a small detail.  I have failed to mention along the way Kostya lives with his mother.  She was widowed over 5 years ago and Kostya and her now share an apartment as it is difficult to live alone and provide your basic needs in that Country.  So behind that door was this darling little quaint Ukrainian woman with a beautiful smile on her face.  Oh, a welcomed sight.  She was such a mother.  Her first words were to make sure I was ok, not hungry (which she was already preparing a meal) or that I needed anything.  She did not speak any English so Kostya translated for us, but she did not have to speak my language to show me love.  She hung my jacket, made sure my boots were placed neatly by the door, and they began to show me their apartment and where I would sleep that night.

    Three bedrooms, a small little kitchen with a lovely view of the school Kostya use to attend, a playground and snow... lots of snow!  The bathroom was broken into parts.  The shower/sink were in one spot and the toilet was in another.  Ya'll this praying mantis and my long legs almost didn't fit.  When I shut the door to the bathroom and took a seat upon the throne my knees and my nose were nearly touching the door.  Again, laughter.  Everything about everywhere I went brought about this strange joy and laughter, despite all that was broken.  I enjoyed so much the lack of having everything at your disposal.  To live in a place where who had what did not matter because no one had anything and to just enjoy the peace that all these differences brought was such a neat feeling.

   So the tour continued and as we walked into his mothers room these very words left my mouth, with laughter of course " Why do you have a picture of George Bush"? Kostya looked a bit puzzled, then translated to his mother and they both began to laugh.  "That's my father" he said.  Hold up,

Come on!  Who's telling the truth here?

Guys... first of all no it's not, it's George Bush.  Second of all, yes it was his father and not George Bush, but seriously, come on... who does that look like?  I still look at this picture and cannot believe it! So crazy!  So after we laughed a long time, and still laugh to this day, we went in to have what I thought was dinner, but what was apparently an appetizer to diner. The spread was incredible, but the only thing I recognized was mashed potatoes and olives.  The rest was experimenting.  I'm a picky eater, I say I'm not, but then things like this remind me I am.  Yet, when you are across the world in the home of someone else who has prepared this for you, you cast all pickiness aside and

First Ukrainian meal.

begin!  It was SO GOOD! Well, the things I ate were good.  I of course dug into the mashed potatoes and the borscht and much to my picky surprise the meat dish that had the carrot slices on top was delicious.  Kostya was adamant about me not having to eat anything I did not want, and while I wanted to be respectful and eat what was made, I also knew the threshold of my gag reflex and wanted to keep that in check!

    Day one was almost a wrap, the following day would be when I would be able to wrap my arms around my boy, whom at this point had no idea I was there.  Kostya and I had talked many times prior to me coming and agreed that we wouldn't tell Andriy, but I for sure wanted his grandma to know. So after dinner that night I asked, "So did you tell grandma I was coming?  What did she say?"

To be continued...