"I was there"

March 8th, 2018

     After the hug that broke down walls the rest of the evening went wonderfully.  His grandmother prepared dinner for us all, which would be another round of experimenting that went well.  It was sketchy at times these four days I'd spend here, but I was proud of myself for trying new things!

    That evening we played cards, just Kostya, Andriy and myself.  They would teach me a game called "Durak", translated to "Fool" in English.  It's primarily played with only 36 cards, but can be played with the entire deck.  I had a hard time ever beating those two, but had so much fun and many laughs! After approximately 19 rounds of this game we finally prepared for bed which was a welcomed time of the day for me.

 

  I had slept in the extra twin bed in Andriy's room and Kostya slept in the extra room.  Any moment that I could spend with him I was taking advantage of.  As I mentioned in a previous post he lets down all walls with me when no one else is there.  It's where I have learned everything I know about him.  It' where he tells me his fears, his hopes and his feelings.  So laying across the room from him talking until he fell asleep was the perfect place to be.  Not to mention being able to wake up and look over and see him sleeping so peacefully was wonderful, and would be so needed as we began this day.
 
 
After everyone waking and having breakfast, which was generally a leftover feast from dinner the day before, grandma asked that we walk to the cemetery with her.

   As we walked I found myself behind the others, most the whole way.  The only ones turning to

check on me would be grandmother who was seriously afraid I was going to freeze to death or Kostya.  If Andriy turned around it would be to wait on Kostya and begin walking with him.  Andriy was now back to the place where I hardly existed.  This place is very hard to be, especially while being over there.  I know this about him and I know the body language and eye contact, or lack there of that comes with it.  I also know that any time Kostya is near it can be heightened.  This doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

    So after walking quite a while down these alley ways and some even untouched paths we made our way to the Cemetery.  I couldn't help but wonder how in the world they even got people back there.   It was not a location that seemed fully accessible by car which to this Texas girl could totally be because of all of the snow.  In Texas we shut the state down when it snows.  In Ukraine they just
walk in it.

    As we walk up to the area that his grandfather was laid to rest, his grandmother, with her bare hands begins to wipe off the snow that has accumulated on his grave.  I take off my scarf and hand it to her and begin to help.  The flowers were covered and the standing spray's that had been put out were laid over.  We each helped to clear the area of snow and put the items back where they were to go.  I couldn't help but notice the graves next to his.  It was Andiry's mothers.  An engraved, detailed image of her face, and small portions of her upper body with her name, and the dates of birth and death.  She and Matt share the same year of birth.

   This brief moment was painful to understand.  I stood there at the foot of her grave and truly for the first time grasped this realization that I was only there because she was not.  His biological mother, the one who he was given to by birth was gone and instead, me, this woman from Texas stood there wishing so much that I wasn't.  Not because I did not want to be there, there is no other place I would have rather been.  But I wished so much I didn't have to be the one standing there, that instead it could be her.  That he didn't have to stand there at the foot of his grandfathers grave and also look on to his mothers, and his biological grandmothers, their faces looking back.  These women and this man who have loved him, and who he loved were all buried below us and those who stood to comfort him were myself, a stranger only 3 years ago from Texas, Kostya a stranger less than 1 year ago from Ukraine, and his grandmother that came into his life about 7 years ago.  All of these people, none of which he was born to were all he had.  As much as the tears flowed because of this, the beauty, if you can even call it that, but I shall is that I was there.

  I was there to hold him, if only for a moment before he walked away.

  I was there to see the family that kept him safe and loved.

  I was there to hug his grandmother there as she wept at the foot of her husbands grave.

  I was there so that God could break me for what breaks Him, the most noted and needed of all.

As we walked back to their home the tears flowed. Gosh, they flowed.  The way home was the same as the way there.  The three of them led and I followed.  When we arrived back to his house I told them I would be back.   We had passed a Church that was just a little bit up from Andriy's house that was a beautiful building.  Seeing as the tears wouldn't stop I was not ready to go in with them just yet. so I made my way back to the Church.  I'd like to say there was a revelation of sorts while being there but there wasn't.  I just cried, literally, cried out to God.   After a good cry to God I headed back to their house.  We had a late lunch, and Kostya prepared to head back to Kiev.  The plan was for him to leave that day, I would stay and he would come back 3 days later so that he could get me back to Kiev.  

 

 Kostya and I left to head back to the bus stop, which my hotel was located at.  I had not showered in 5 days, gross I know!  Dry shampoo came in clutch and the fact that it was freezing and I never sweat helped tremendously!  My plan was to just go and shower, make a quick trip to the store and then head back to Andriy's house that night which would prove to be quite the adventure.  One that I like to call "Lost in Ukraine"

You'll want to stay tuned... 😉